First Weekend Home *SURPRISE PARTY*

Coming home was nothing short of easy. It was actually a pain in my tush. So that first night crawling in my bed was.... heaven. We unloaded the car and I got to see Bella, our Weimeraner. Dexter settled right in, it was almost weird (but then again my cat's a genius). We got in on the Thursday night and little by little people started to figure out I was home. I was half keeping it a secret because I was still pretty sick and half because I wanted time to get settled in. Well because apparently my cat's smarter than me, I posted a facebook status:

Now this is the edited version, but brilliant little me forgot to turn off the location feature originally. So when it popped up as "Gananoque Ontario" people got suspicious. I got it down with in twenty minutes, but rumors spread faster than herpes in the red light district. Friday I slept my life away but my bossman contacted me about potentially working a shift on the Sunday. I. Was. Ecstatic! He played it perfect, something along the lines of someone bailed and he had to work last Sunday and he could do it if I couldn't but he was pretty desperate. Not that he even needed to try that hard, I was jumping up and down at the word shift. I didn't think much of it.

Saturday, after begging and pleading with my dad and his special Lady that I was a competent driver they finally caved to let me borrow one of the vehicles. My dad went with every lie in the book to avoid it though,

"Uhhh My hockey equipment wont fit in Claudette's car, so I have to take the truck."

Ummm I wasn't born yesterday and she doesn't drive a smart car so I think it will fit. Eventually Claudette let me borrow hers to go to a friend's party that to be honest, I was super looking forward too!

The party was a blast! I met some really, really fun people and saw people I haven't seen in years. Learned how to play a new drinking game... "Titties" I think (I didn't actually play but I'll bet I would have taken the cake.) I danced to Britney (I'm glad that most people missed that one hahaah) and even tried to dance with a person. (I should just not be allowed to dance.) I tried a venison dip...

"Ummm Court, you know there is deer meat in that right?"

After a few more hours of debating whether or not to try it because I felt bad eating Bambi, I caved because I was starving, and it was actually pretty good. It was fun, it was exactly what I needed and was a good reminder that even when things don't go perfect or as planned they still have a way of working out. (Shorts Strings? HAHAHAHA)

The next morning everyone was up, we had some left over turkey, watched sports center and then I got the messages about my shift. I was excited to work, but bummed about leaving the party. Apparently they went tobogganing... behind 4wheelers. (OMG- SO Jealous!) Little did I realize... this wouldn't even be a worry once I knew what I was missing it for.

*Thats the bossman representing HARD* ::Thumbs Up::

This should have been a dead give away but I was so excited to have a shift I didn't notice. I came home and got ready. I had a little bit of a hangover, and my weekend was just starting. I joked about calling in sick, but I've maybe done that twice in my life, so it would have never happened. I think I asked my dad and Claudette about a 100x if I looked ok. I wanted to look not only good for my first shift back, first time seeing everybody, but I wanted to look great and most of all... not sick or like I had been. I went all out, extensions and all!

Claudette had a work Christmas party and so I didn't think twice about she and my dad dressing up.

I should have thought twice about them giving me cab money to get home instead of letting me borrow a car. Another dead give away. After we dropped Claudette off, my dad began to drive me to work. Feeling the hangover I was like

"Ugh Now I kind of wish I didn't have to work. Wouldn't it just be nice if it was like a surprise party or something awesome like that."

I was completely kidding, because I honestly never thought it would happen. My dad had the perfect response

"HAH, yeah right kid, like that would happen."

I believed him. We pulled in across the street which I also should have thought was weird because my dad doesn't follow the rules at Spank's and parks in their private lot. According to him

"I'm V.I.P."

I just assumed it was because he was dropping me off. We got out of the car and I saw 1/3 of my bosses and one of the bouncers, E, walking in. I also saw nobody inside which I thought was odd, but I figured it was still early. I hugged them, and they seemed not as excited to see me as I originally hoped they would be. I later found out it was because they were late and thought they had ruined the surprise. Nope, I was oblivious.

They all let me walk in first and when I walked in the door it was a blur. It all happened so fast and so slow at the same time. So many things were just "off" and there was so much to process that my chemo brain was on overdrive. I was freaking out in the car that I wouldn't remember what Beer we had on tap, yet this was a whole other ball game of

"why isn't my brain working fast enough to figure this out."

I saw balloons. Lots of balloons (I just assumed the balloons were for the Christmas party I was told I was going to be working.) My manager K was just standing to the right of the bar, by himself. It was weird because he was just standing there, and just seemed like he was waiting for something. I went to hug him, and then saw people crouching behind the bar. Still not even processing what was going on, because my mind was jumping from balloons, to manager, to beer taps (I needed to know for my shift) then to behind the bar. When I finally focused in on the dozens of people behind the bar, they jumped and screamed

"SURPRISE, Welcome Home!"

All I remember while all of this was taking place was thinking,

"Something's not right, Something's not right. I'm so confused."

I started shaking and all I could manage to say was

"Ummmm I guess this means I'm not working????"

"Wait, is this for me?"

As if the chalkboard that said "Welcome Home Courtney" wasn't a clue. People began to swarm me with hugs and my thoughts changed to

"Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry!"

I actually went into shock.

"OMG is this actually happening? OMG Happy tears are coming!"

I didn't even register that my bestie and personal trainer A was sitting at a table! Someone I once worked with told me

"Courtney's like an ambulance, you hear her coming before you ever see her!"

hahah E, could not have been more accurate with a description of me! I think I tackled A. It was funny too because she had been messaging me while I was in the car asking about what I was up too. You sneaky bugger!

There was Cake and flowers and I tried eggnog for the first time. O outdid herself there.

SO many people came that I was so excited to see. It was like surprise after surprise after surprise. I had a couple drinks, and was just loving catching up with everyone.

So both my parents are really awesome and they know everything that goes on in my life. It's why I let my dad read my blogs and probably don't have a filter. Like I can talk about anything with my parentals and I love that.

Anyway, the party from the night before was at a guys house whom I've been talking too for a while, we've known each other for YEARS, but hadn't seen each other in years up until this past summer. So he had been texting me this night asking about work and if I was there yet, if it served food, etc. Basically questions that seemed completely unaware that something was up other than me going to work. I was at the back of the bar talking to some people when I turned around and saw three hotties walk in. I think my heart fell out of my chest. I turned around, jaw dropped and cupped my face. I couldn't believe my eyes because a whole new set of shock waves engulfed my body. Was I hallucinating because he doesn't exactly live in town, and this just seemed too good to be true, not plausible and did I mention I was concerned I was hallucinating? I ran and hugged him and actually think there may have been jumping up and down, more hands over mouth in shock and then a

"WHAT! (Super loud pitched)..What are you doooing here? (Girly, shocked whiny cutesy sounding)"

I didn't give him a chance to finish before the whole

"Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry"

mantra came flooding back into my mind. It was just too much excitement to handle, the surprises were legit going to put me over the edge. I was still cupping my face when I couldn't contain the excitement and shock any longer and was like

"Oh my gosh I'm sorry I need a second"

turned around, paced a few steps trying to process what was happening and then I think I hugged him and the other two guys again. It was then that I realized the other two, had also brought their special ladies and that was when I officially lost it! I basically had developed girl crushes on them the night before and was just in awe that they had come too! Hugs galore and my night had officially just hit EPIC status. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, that happened. I asked how he knew about my party, and he told me something along the lines of this... and Dad #ForTheWin!

"Well your dad actually found me on facebook and messaged me telling me about it. I first saw the message from JD pop up and my first reaction was '$#!% What did I do?' but then I read it and he told me about it."

My mind was blown, because this meant they had known all along at the party the previous night, and that morning, and not a soul had given it away! We did shots and we drank and if ever there was a moment to forget about all the $#!%%y stuff that had happened to me the previous months... tonight did just that and then some!

Unfortunately they had to work the next morning and couldn't stay but my night was full of more surprises. I continued to see people I hadn't seen in what felt like forever and felt so incredibly blessed. I didn't even mind how hungover I was the next two days because every second of the previous weekend had been worth it. My body knew I needed this... I can be as positive, and try to be as healthy as I want to be, but deep down, I'm still a 25 year old girl who has had years ripped away from her. I don't feel guilty for a little fun and my body felt better just long enough for me to enjoy this weekend. I can't thank the people involved enough, because honestly words will never describe how grateful I was for every second. For the people who weren't invited, my dad did the best he could and hey I didn't even know, so I couldn't have invited ya. For the best bosses ever who did give me a real shift a few days later... thank you thank you thank you! I know I'm one blessed little cookie and I don't forget it for a second.
*Managers and other sign I failed to notice upon arrival*

*1/3 of the bossmen- He even played me Britney, which in all my excitement took me one minute too long to realize!*

Thank you Claudette and Daddio- You guys rock!

The morning/ arrival home. Worth every second of the hangover... but the drinking has ceased, (at least until New Years and then will prob take a hiatus for a bit.)

So thank you to everyone! I made new friends, saw old ones and was reminded why this is my home! If my mom and sis had have been there this night would have just been over the moon. I don't think I would have been able to handle any more surprises though!
For those wondering- the first REAL shift back was a blast! Saw others I hadn't seen in too long and just... what a week home.
The only words I have are THANK YOU~
p.S. Also got my Scrapbook from the event held at Spankys. I can't wait to read it! <3 *First Shift Back* (Getting ready and then rocking out to Britney in the car on my way there!)

*Some more pics from the party*

The Drive Back Home & Of Course The Complications Involved

So as I stared out the window, the white lines on the pavement flew by... the colliding lines turning to one long white strip from the speed. The big signs that told you where you were.... are blue. The license plates no longer full of crazy slogans and colors but simple white and the blizzard subsided. The money had color (and smelled pretty if you were in possession of a fifty or hundo- no lie like maple syrup) and people no longer hovered in the left passing lane eliciting expletives from my dad while we drove. All of these were sure signs, it was official, we were back in Canada, I am home.

I was supposed to be here last Wednesday but in true Courtney fashion, nothing goes to plan. Saturday I was vomiting on the side of the road. Monday I had my very last doctors appointment of 2013 and it was fabulous! (We'll get to that later.) I got home however and that's when the fun really began.

It was like I was in radiation all over again. All of the symptoms were back. I could not hold anything in my body. It did not want to stay, no matter which end it came out. Projectile vomiting does a number on your chest, its like the ab work out from hell. It was never ending. My Dad was driving down from Canada on Tuesday and we we're "planning" on leaving on Wednesday morning.

Well Tuesday came and went. But worse, nothing stayed in me. Tears began to flow because there was intense pain. Every time I even took a large sip of something, my tummy would feel like it was bubbling and then out it would come. It was becoming increasingly obvious that something was seriously wrong when I slept through the Victoria's Secret Fashion show.(Legit something I look forward too every year, maybe almost as much as or more so than the Super Bowl! I mean hello, its the sexiest night on television!)

Mom jumped into action and doctors got on board and early Wednesday morning I was hooked up to an iv pumping fluids. Still not enough. There was no way I was getting into a car on Wednesday. I had two options; let my dad take just my stuff and go up ten days later with my mom and sister, or pray my dad could post pone his stuff so we could leave on Thursday. Thank the heavens we got to go with the latter.

So here I am. Pumped up with one more liter of fluids before we left, and not a wink of sleep. I chose not to eat today because I needed to make it through this 9 hour car ride unscathed. Fluids on the ride were kept to a minimum too.
(The early part of our drive- lovely PA)

So what am I sick with? Who the hell knows. It could be residual radiation side effects. Like really though, it's been over a month- they could give me a break by now. That would be nice. It could be some type of flu, but I never got a fever and had no aches and pains. Or it could have been from my doctors apt on Monday... Hormone insertion.

I've mentioned it before in earlier blogs but the chemo and transplant basically wiped out my body's ability to produce its own hormones. They're more important than people give them credit for, i.e. not just for sex drive and clearly I don't need them for that. They help with memory, and muscles and energy and a lot of stuff. So we have to supplement them. It's tiny little pellets inserted into my hip. They numb, slice, insert and then patch me up. Its a simple in office procedure but it hurts like a bugger for a day or two until the numbing meds wear off.

My doc who takes care of all this is who discovered the cancer in the first place. She's been a rock for me. Set set me up with Dr. D whom I love and was there for me during a particularly un-fun surgery at Lankenau when quite a few things went wrong. Basically she's been keeping me going for the past 5+ years. Knows me inside and out, literally. Her response to seeing me after a few months of treatment was shock over how much healthier I looked. Her response to my lady bits- that they were doing fantastic. She even went over with me certain ways to make sex more enjoyable when that day comes. It really is all about finding what works for every individual, this majorly includes angles. SO it was a great appointment.

I got sick that night though when I got home. Could the hormones and my sickness be correlated? Well as one who knows her body very very well, I don't think so. I've also been taking these for years. One of the few things I remember from Psyc 101 "Correlation does not prove causation."

Regardless I'm home and that's after the MAJOR blizzard we went through in between Syracuse and Watertown. I actually may have white knuckled that whole part.

"Dad. We have some seriously precious cargo on board."

To which he replied

"Relax I've got this."

To me:

"NO SERIOUSLY SLOW DOWN! Dexter is on board and nothing can happen to him. I didn't go through months of treatment to die in a blizzard in PULASKI, NEW YORK!"

He laughed, I may have tried to convince him that we HAD to have our 4ways on and we survived. Barely.

Staring at those white stripes blend into the line that was leading me home was almost like watching a shooting star which held someones wish tight. I fell asleep finally for a little bit but woke up just in time to see Peterborough lights.

As we drove through the city... tears welled up. This is why I was working so hard to get better. Because my life is here and this is the first step to allowing it to begin again. I must proceed with baby steps, but I'll crawl to greater heights than I ever had before, because I have such a greater appreciation for stuff now. I have been given the chance to really evaluate what I want to do with this life that I have been so blessed to have been given a 5th chance at. FIFTH. Yes I may have fought for that blessing but I fought like hell and here I am! I'm going to live passionately. A little bit selfishly. Much healthier. But these are some of the ways I'm going to regrow back into not the person I was, but the person I have always wanted and deep down know I can be.

I love this little city that is too small to be a big city but to big to be a small one. I'm ready... well still sick, but ready.

Very Last Doc Apt of 2013

Today is my very LAST doctors appointment of 2013. Hormone Therapy (where they will insert pellets into my hip that time release the hormones into my body- because of course I was allergic to the less invasive forms.) Regardless- MY VERY LAST APPOINTMENT OF 2013. :D

It feels like just yesterday when realistically it was almost a year ago that I was looking my dad in the eye and saying

"I don't know what or why but something is wrong."

I had symptoms, I was stressed, I was tired but I just didn't believe it. Now here I am leaving battle and walking into peace negotiations.

No doctor has a magic ball and can tell me conclusively what I want to hear. They can never say with certainty

"You are cancer free."

I have to now be proactive about living as healthily as I can and as consciously as I can. I have to now listen to that voice. When my gut says to me again

"I don't know why or what but something is wrong"

I will bang down the doors of heaven until I figure it out and shut that voice up. I read a book a long time ago that said our gut is there for a reason. I can't remember but something about it being an evolutionary defense mechanism. Well gosh darnit, that makes sense.

So my PET scan lit up because of inflammation caused by the residual effects of radiation. The radiation takes months to leave my body. Which explains why I've been so tired and run down. I still have toxic radiation coursing through my veins. The post effects of the treatment, they don't disappear over night. On top of that, I'm a rare case/bird and therefore don't heal like the average person. Also the doses of radiation I received were extremely high. My lymph nodes are clear and that is huge! HUGE!

Basically Dr. D told me,

"You need to relax, de-stress and let your body heal. This is not going to happen over night, it will take months for you to be clean of the radiation and feel normal again."

Normal? What is normal? That is seriously a term I've forgotten over the years. Relax and let my body heal, UGH this is going to be so hard for a girl who can't sit still. However whenever I tried to test this theory my body reminded me to sit down, shut up and listen. I went out with a friend on Friday for another friends birthday and through out the course of the night had two SMALL glasses of wine (ANTIOXIDANTS). With multiple glasses of water in between and a HUGE dinner. (Ps- yes those are extensions.)

However the next morning after running errands with my mom, I ended up puking on the side of a highway.

"Mom, I think you should get into the right lane."

"Why honey? Is everything ok?"

::As she was pulling into the right lane::

"Um No"

:: Open door, proceed to puke, profusely.:: The rest of the weekend sucked. It was a lot of the same thing. My sister bringing me gingerale and zofran (Anti Nausea medication). It was most likely just a stomach bug, but one night of very simple social interaction, brought me back down to real life.

"YOU ARE RECOVERING"

is basically what my body was screaming at me. Or it could just be a coincidence. But still, really?

So the news from the doctor- can't be perfect. I will have check ups. All the time. My first being in January. Pet Scans, bloodwork. I'm never done this fight. Now it's just preventative and I'm ok with that, because at least I'm here to have a life to be preventive with. This in no way means I'll stop living. Not even close, not even a little bit. If anything, it means I'm just getting started.

I'm packing up my bags because I'm heading home. I'm going to have to start slow, but at least I get to start!

Its Not Bad News, But Its Not Good News Either- Pet Scan & Results Take 2

I want to preface all of this with: I will not worry until I'm officially given a reason too! So please don't you worry either!

How this post originally started:
So the day I have been waiting for is almost here. Like legit days away. My final results, my time to start packing. My dad on his way down to get me and take me back to the great white north. I should be ecstatic, I should be over the moon, but I think the anxiety from it has thrown me into an anxiety induced flu.

There are so many factors, am I upset over leaving my mom and sis. Maybe leaving some new friendships that I forgot how much I missed? Maybe the idea of being away from my doctors scares me. Honestly for the first time in a really long time I'm having a hard time breaking down my feelings.

Its difficult in the sense that I want to go home and jump right back into my life. I want to work and see all the people I've missed and have some fun. However a BIG downside to me, is I don't like people seeing me when I'm sick. Also when I'm not feeling well, I try not to show it. Its this whole being perceived as the "Sick Girl" complex I have. Because I'm stubborn like this, I usually end up sicker or some way that sucks. Its basically my body telling me to slow down.

I also have this thing about letting people down. Its the worst feeling in the world. I don't want people to think I don't want to see them, or this or that. I have trouble vocalizing how I'm feeling and what I need. Sometimes its because people don't really understand or get it, and other times its because I'm straight up stubborn. This is the time I need to make ME the number one priority, but that is extremely difficult for me.
(Written before today obviously- and below was written after)

It was one of those nights where the minutes on the clock crawled by. I tried everything, watching tv, instagram, twitter, reading, snuggling Dex, but nothing worked. I knew I had to be up by 6:30am but my body would not shut down. It was time for reinforcements. HELLO XANAX! My sis and mum came in at one point and my sister took one look at me

"She's stoned!"

My mum in her worried voice

"Why are you stoned honey?"

It was actually the most adorable concerning voice ever.

"Because mum, this test tomorrow is really important and I'm really nervous!"

They left my room to let me try and sleep but my mum came back in, clearly having been in deep thought. Actually she may not have even left the room... XANAX illusions.

"Why didn't you tell me you were nervous? You have no reason to be! Wanna come sleep in my room?"

My mum tried to comfort me but my drugged out stupor was in full effect and I push people away when I'm nervous and xanax stoned. I also have this thing where I don't like to cuddle- I know I'm weird. I get quiet and I hide. Eventually I fell asleep.

She woke me up the next morning and I was starving. For the test I wasn't allowed any carbs, sugar, caffeine, or fruit for 72 hours prior to the test- so basically it was the diet from hell. I wanted a pizza and stat. I rolled over and created my cocktail. Panic attacks were inevitable and I just wasn't in the mood. I wanted the results. I wanted to hear,

"You're in the clear, go home, be normal."

I pooled all of my pills in my hand, and took a gulp to wash away the rippling waves of fear. I threw on lulu's, grabbed a camo scarf and my eagles hat, I was as ready as I was ever going to be.

I don't remember the car ride, I don't remember waiting.

I do remember getting my IV, I remember being injected with the radioactive dye, and drinking the god awful barium.

I remember being left alone so no one else would be exposed to the radiation and because I thought I was hilarious... again... listening to "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons on my Ipod.

I sat there for an hour, and only remember listening to that one song. Thinking about how much I wanted to go home. Not even really understanding why because I'm not unhappy here, at all. I have amazing friends here too. I love living with my mom and sister and Tux and the cats. My sister is the funniest in her weird way and my mom makes me feel like I'm always wrapped in a warm blanket of love. But I have my friends back home too, I have my Dad and C and Bella and my grandmother. I have my jobs, which I LOVE. I have two lives. Two completely separate lives. They completely coincide with both my passports, both my cell phones, I am literally a secret agent living double lives. This, this is what I thought about as radioactive materials were pulsating through my body, all alone. Thinking about my separate lives was my escape.

I went into the scan. It was 35 minutes. My meds were wearing off, I was getting antsy. Was I ready for this? Ready for these results? At least with out them, I could live in the fantasy that they were going to be ok, but once they come, they're real and then I have to deal with them.

When it was finally over, I jumped at the chance to leave. Apparently I waited in the waiting room with my mom for the disk with the results. No memory. We went to get breakfast, once again, little memory except for the pure joy I felt at inhaling the carbs from the tuna melt and hot chocolate. I came home, I slept... Fast forward to that night...

I woke up in the middle of the night and sorry to be graphic but I had gotten a period. Well $#!%, something that wasn't supposed to happen just did. A symptom, something is wrong. Add this to the previous week of feeling completely ill and I still didn't put together that something was off. I skipped a lunch and a dinner with two friends I hadn't seen in ages, both I had been looking SO forward too, but I couldn't ignore that my body needed sleep. Once again, making excuses that the previous week had caught up with me, I was anxious, nothing was wrong. Thats what I kept telling myself, because I am always positive, in the worst way I guess.

Fast Forward to today: The results.

Phone rings, I answer.

"Hi Courtney, It's Dr. D. I received your results from your PET Scan. Your Lymph nodes are clear and everything looks good. However, there is some uptake in your cervix. This could be residual effects from the radiation. Instead of seeing you in three months however, I think it would be better to see you in a month to be safe."

::CRUSHED::

Good news and bad news all at once. I mean it wasn't bad but it wasn't great. It COULD be residual effects from the radiation but it lit up, it could be cancer. Cancer that isn't visible to the naked eye but showed up on the PET Scan. Back to square one, not knowing. On the bright side, my lymph nodes were clear. At least the f****** chemo worked.

I don't have time to wait this out, my insurance runs out in May. What I had (may still have) was an aggressive form of cancer. If it is still there who knows what will happen in a month.

So we go in tomorrow, we go to ask questions.

My mom went out and got me the new Britney cd because Britney fixes everything. However I'm not even in a Britney mood, because all week, I was thinking about how I was going to pack and surprise everyone back home and now I'm just yet again wondering what new journey my body is taking me on unwillingly.

Someone special to me tonight told me

"Energy Flows Where Attention Goes"

So... I'm giving myself tonight to be pissed off and upset. Because tomorrow Positive Energy is going to flow to where my Attention must go!

Will I be ok, yes. Am I pissed off yes. Did I want a conclusive answer, yes. I have a Skylar Grey Song on repeat.... because right now its a metaphor for what I'm feeling. (Actually her whole album is speaking to me right now). Come tomorrow- it's Britney Time.

-Back From The Dead

"I worked so hard to put the past to rest,
now its tumbling down on me, just like an avalanche...
So you can't just come back now, like a demon uninvited.
You can't just Expect me, to open my door to you because....

I never thought that you and I would ever meet again,
I mourn the loss of you sometimes and pray for peace with in.
The word "distraught" cannot describe how my heart has been,
but where do we begin now that you're back from the dead."

Things To NEVER Say To A Person With Cancer...

I recently came across an article about things to never say to a person with cancer. There really is no guidebook about how to help a person you care about when they get sick. Its like raising children, bajillions have done it successfully but there is no book or really "right" way to do it. Well it's the same with Cancer, and when it happens to a loved one, learning how to support them cannot come from a manual and there is no "right way." There are so many things to consider; the person, the illness, the prognosis, the side effects, the treatment. Its a never ending list. I've had a lot of people ask me what to say to someone they know, or say things to me. I've been through this enough times to understand that if someone is taking the time to say anything at all to me, then they have good intentions and I hold on to that and don't let their words phase me. However, someone who is new to this may not be able too and not that it matters but here's my two cents.

On the list the first thing to never say is: #1 Everything is going to be alright. I agree because it is true that you do not know what is going to happen and you cannot guarantee that everything will be alright. As a patient, although it's comforting to hear, you're thinking in the back of your head

"You don't know that."

If you voice that to said supporter, they will usually reply with

"Stop thinking negatively."

Well there is a difference between being negative and realistic and sometimes it's comforting to talk about what scares you as a patient. The problem, it's hard for you as the supporter to hear it, what scares your loved one and what could inevitably prove to be true. As a patient I have on more than enough occasions had to be the "strong one" for my loved ones.

However, you need to realize you are not the one dealing with a life threatening situation and although this is difficult for you, you are only fighting one fear, fear of losing your loved one. The patient is fighting fear on a whole other level. Fear of; leaving you, fighting the disease that causes the fear, fighting the real negativity clouding your brain, fighting the side effects and fighting the urge to quit. So although you don't want to hear about what the patient is afraid of, you need to sit down, sit up, shut up and listen. Instead of

"Everything is going to be alright"

maybe try something like

"Yes all those things could happen, but they also could not. We're in this together and we have a strong medical team who knows what they're doing, so lets focus on what should and inevitably will go right."

This isn't on the list but this is a big one for me personally. Showing your doubts with your loved ones medical team. This is why. Everyone hates needles, if you don't, ok whatever you're weird. There have been times where I have had a nurse go to give me an iv and miss. They've had to re stick me, and there is nothing worse than your support system rolling their eyes in the corner right after the nurse misses the first vein and is gearing up for the second. The first stick hurt, the second stick will hurt too. If the nurse sees you rolling your eye's, it's going to make them more nervous that they'll fail again, and therefore more likely to mess up again. Instead of judging the nurse, accept that people are human and make mistakes. Maybe I was a really tough stick that day? Come hold my hand and breath through the pain of needle number two with me. Don't put down my medical team, these are the people responsible for saving my life and when you doubt them, I will doubt them, and then I will worry about the outcome of the treatment. I need to have faith in them. This goes for doctors, social workers, nurses, anyone who is trying to help your person through their treatment.

Now granted there are legitimate mistakes that sometimes family members need to stand up and say something, but make sure its a legitimate concern. Don't put doubt in the patients mind. If you really need to voice some concerns, do it with the doc in private. It's hard enough having faith in yourself to find the strength to fight this battle, but when you doubt the people who are spearheading your treatment, you can lose all resolve. Don't be the reason we need to waste extra energy to feel confident about what is being done to keep us alive.

#2 "I Know How You Feel." Do you? DO you know what it is like to be told "You have cancer?" Do you know what it is like to lose control of your life, not because of mistakes or choices you made but for something completely out of your control. Even if you have had a type of cancer, odds are your circumstances were completely different. Your response to medications, side effects and their severity. Chemo's used, radiations, risk factors. No two cases are exactly alike. I personally have been in the 0.01% range on more than one, heck more than 5 occasions.

"This has actually never happened before? No this can't be right, this only happens to less than 1%. etc. etc. etc."

The rule of thumb with me was if there is a 0.01% chance of a side effect, plan on me being that 0.01. For example, I couldn't metabolize methotrexate or 6MP, two very common oral chemo meds. I developed GVHD (Graph vs. Host disease [where your body rejects your bone marrow]) not on my skin like the majority of cases but internally. You will never know how another person feels about anything, because you are not that person. Whether it relates to cancer or not.

The only other thing I can say about this is, it takes away from the significance of the situation. The significance it has on the patients life. When someone tells me, they know how I feel, it makes me feel like, I'm over reacting and shouldn't be as upset about it as I am. It equates it with the feeling of

"well it happens to lots of people, so why am I significant. Why should anyone care?"

To show you care say something along the lines of

"I will never be able to understand what you are feeling, but if you want to talk about it, I am here to listen."

Or simply

"How are you holding up?"

If it's me, I usually respond with

"I'm ok,"

but I'm always grateful you asked. Even if I'm thinking,

"How the hell do you think I'm holding up? I'm pissed off and feeling like crap."

It really depends on the day.

To expand on that, the best questions I get asked are

"Do you have treatment today?" "Whats involved?"

Questions that make me feel like you not only care, but are genuinely trying to understand what I'm going through.

#3 "Try to keep a positive attitude, relax and avoid stress. It can help you heal." This one entirely depends on how its worded. With me, I constantly need people to remind me it's ok to take a break and take the time to heal. I want to jump back into work. I want to be doing something and I don't want to be missing out on life. However, I do need to take a step back and let my body heal. With that being said, when people tell me to eliminate stress from my life, I want to scream. Essentially telling someone that something in their life is stressing them out and stress causes illness means that they are doing something wrong and are to blame for their illness. Also don't tell me to stay positive, it makes me feel like I'm not allowed to feel upset for what has happened to me. If I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset, then I will shut down, shut you out and wont talk about it, therefore causing me more stress.

Someone once asked me if stress from the treatment was contributing to my hair loss and if I could just relax it wouldn't be as severe. Well, no, it was not stress, it was a side effect from the chemo. However, by saying this, I shut that person out and did not vent to them about what was indeed stressing me out anymore because they had single handedly added themselves to that list of stressors. I completely agree with the article in how to handle this. If you see a source of unease or stress, ask what you can do to help. For me, my bosses just kept reminding me jobs were waiting for me. For others it could be

"Is there anything I can do to give you some more you time?"

It doesn't suggest that there is a stressor but it gives you an opportunity to help. Also feel free to just help, because if the patient is like me, they wont ask for it. Feeling like a burden really makes this situation unbearable, because not only are we in disarray but we're causing it for others.

#4 "We can beat this." The article and I have very different interpretations on this one. For me, I like hearing it. I like knowing I'm not alone and have a strong support system. On the other hand, I can also feel like

"We, there is no we, I'm the one with the disease."

You don't want to say

"You can beat this,"

because that goes back to point number one. The way this should be worded (because its all about the wording) is

"If anyone can beat this, its you!"

That implies you have a positive attitude, you can overcome adversity in your life and it's not concrete. Cheerleaders can be annoying, I know this because I was one, so don't be a peppy cheerleader, be a cheerleader who can also be a listener.

#5 "Now Now Don't get yourself worked up." If someone said this to me I would punch them in the face, at least in my mind. You have no right to tell me I cannot get upset, or be angry, or feel pain. NO RIGHT! You are making me feel like a burden with this comment and I already feel like not only has my life been ruined but I'm affecting yours too, so thanks for confirming it. This should be an obvious one but I really do feel that common sense is a rare commodity these days. You're supposed to be a shoulder to cry on, not the nail in the emotional coffin. When you say this, you're basically saying,

"You're over reacting, its not that bad, I could handle it."

Well, then go ahead, take my place, and oh well you're at it, this is me no longer confiding in you, opening up to you and therefore causing more stress for myself by holding in my feelings. Job well done, support system. -_-

If you have nothing to say other than the above and can't manage something along the lines of

"Its completely ok to be upset, Its ok to cry, it's ok to be angry"

then you have no right to be someone's support system and you need to evaluate your lack of empathy. No seriously, you are probably the type of person who drowns puppies and puts anthrax in the mail. Ok maybe not that bad, but you get my point. If you really don't know what to say, and I get it, I've had people who have had no clue, and there's been times where I've had no clue, just give me a hug, hold my hand or send me a heart emicon. That will suffice.

#6 "Congratulations! You're done with chemo/ radiation or both." This is hard for both parties. You're excited they're done treatment. They're excited they're done treatment, but something about this is hard to hear. When I was done, I got a ton of well wishes and was grateful for every single one. People kept asking me how I was going to celebrate, when really all I wanted to do was sleep. I know I should have been just as excited, I know I should have been MORE excited but something inside me wasn't ready. Just because you're done treatment, doesn't mean you're done. I finished over two maybe three weeks ago, but I'm still recovering. I'm also still waiting for results. For me, I prefer to celebrate good results than the end of treatment. Yes I'm excited but it doesn't mean anything. Until I hear, you are cancer free, I have nothing to be excited about. This is an easy one, say something along the lines of

"How do you feel now that you're finished treatment?"

I can almost guarantee the results will be the same: anxious, nervous and relieved.

So for anyone wondering the age old question of what to say or ask, pretend you're on a date. Tread carefully. Just because it's your mother, sister, boyfriend, daughter, lover, boss, best friend, whatever, they're experiencing a life altering event and what you say can really have a strong effect. Don't be afraid to ask questions, and if you're not sure, a good place to start is,

"I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but I don't know and I'm trying to understand, is it ok if I ask...(insert question here)?"

Also, with all of this said, none of this was directed at anyone specifically. Odds are I've told you if you've said something to bother me so don't think a story is about you. You will know if it was you I was referencing, I would have told you.

One last note:

Any support is better than none at all. If you're going to support someone, never make them feel like a burden, because trust me, they're feeling it already and you validating that will only make them feel worse. Just let them know they're not alone.

It Hasn't Hit Me Yet, But Still 2 Tests To Get

"All visible signs of Cancer are gone... "

But... I still have two tests left. This was the first very big hurdle though, and I am very confident the tests are going to come back amazing. I just wanted to clarify for those who were unsure, and asking me. Yes you can't see any cancer, its unlikely but it doesn't mean it's not there, so we have two tests left to confirm the already amazing news. The odds are- Ever in my favor! (Hunger Games... haha get it? No... Ok moving on.)

There is nothing that makes you want to be as healthy as you can be than seeing other people living their lives to the fullest. It makes you want to be living your life too! Me- well I get great news and the response is usually the same, overwhelming.

"Courtney, You have no visible signs of cancer! What are you going to do now?"

I almost always reply to good news...

"Umm I'm going to sleep."

My theory is that it takes me a while to let something sink in. I overwhelm myself trying to get it to sink in. Ok, my recent news hasn't sunk in yet.

I don't think this news has sunk in because I still have two tests left. I've just gotten over the first MAJOR hurdle. I still have a PET scan and a PCR test. A PCR is a blood test used to detect whether my leukemia is back. It stands for "Polymerase Chain Reaction". Basically it is a genetic test to make sure my genes have not translocated. In English: when genes 15 and 17 switch places, its called translocation and it means my leukemia is back. Your genes should be 13.14.15.16.17.18.19.etc. etc. but when I have leumkemia or APML specifically, mine would be ordered 13.14.17.16.15.18.19.- the indicator for AML type 3. So with out the science lesson, we want them to come back in order with no hint of leukemia. (I understand this like the back of my hand but couldn't take and handle a science class if my life depended on it. Typical.)

The PET scan, well that uses radioactive dyes to detect abnormalities in the cells. We need that to come back with positive results too.

When both of those things happen I'm in the clear, officially. I have no doubt they will come back fine. I'm tired, and still feeling slightly off but I'm recovering from toxic chemotherapy and high doses of radiation where I was microwaved. A little recovery time is pretty much necessary.

The support has been so overwhelming and amazing! I can't even believe that I'm only 106 views shy of 42,000 since I started this journey 3.5 months ago. The skype dates, the emails, the letters and cards, the texts, calls and bbms, the care packages, the visits, the events, the facebook posts and messages. They've been my rock. They are what keep me positive and excited and in a weird way, safe. If I've forgotten to respond to some, I promise its the chemo brain. It really hates me. But I've gotten the well wishes and am soooo grateful!

I have 4 weeks left in New Jersey. I have people I want to see while I'm down here and things I want to do before I go home. So there may be some fun posts to come, sort of like in the beginning. No alcohol involved yet because my body is still in recovery mode. (I'm still craving that Extra dirty kettle one martini with extra olives, or a Ceasar, or frozen margarita. HMMMM yum).

I'm going out with one of my girlfriends this weekend- we're going to paint pottery because I'm such a bad@$$. I'm so excited I can't even handle it.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire next week with mom and the seestor and Jakk attack! (I actually may reread the first two books one more time before we go because I've already forgotten. Chemo brain is really coming at me with a vengeance.)

Hopefully I'll get to one more Eagles game, preferably one where we win because I'm starting to think I'm bad luck and would like to feel good juju vibes.

Oh and I'm absolutely going to try and go to some yoga. Yesterday morning, because I hadn't slept all night, I thought about going to the morning class. Keywords: thought. about. it. I even looked at the schedules. Baby steps. Who knows, next time I might get dressed and the time after that may even think about it, get dressed and then actually go!

So first things first on the normalcy agenda: stop being a night owl. Clearly I'm so excited to get back to work at the bars that I'm already on the sleep schedule required for working at them.

Then once I'm awake during the day, school work. I've started a little bit.

Yay! Just good things to come! I can feel it!

4 Weeks. 4 Weeks. 4 Weeks.