The Chemo Begins & The Fever Wins.

I'm in a fog. I walk from room to room in a daze. Its as if the world is flying by me at racing speeds and I'm stuck in slow motion. My head feels like 100 pounds, full of a haze. I feel like a ghost walking in between the realms of life and the escape and ease of heaven. Just watching everyone live around me, wanting to join in but stuck, just stuck.

Each day becomes one in the same. Except chemo day, Wednesdays. On radiation days we drive our hour long trek for my 20 minute radiation treatment. Then we leave. I usually get home and go right to sleep. Its exhausting.

This past Wednesday was a little different. We went and did my radiation as usual. Then we went and registered for chemo. I then went to see Dr. D where we discussed my nausea the night before.

It had hit me around 1am and my sister was luckily awake. She came in and brought me some Gingerale. She put my books away and closed my laptop, turned of my light and rubbed my back. The nausea subsided for a little while and then it came back. It was just one of those uncomfortable nights. Dr. D the next day said it was anticipatory nausea which makes sense. Although its been 5 years since I've last done chemo, I remember it well. I remember being nauseous, and in pain and all of the complications that came with it. All of the complications I don't want to remember or be reminded of.

So in his office he went over the chemo, and they got me scheduled in for the next 6 weeks. We talked about pre-treating with 2 meds to prevent the nausea. With chemo, its all about the nausea. I have no appetite. Nothing about food excites me, and believe me this is not normal with me. When I do eat, its hard, nothing is good. We got prescriptions for Ativan and were on our way.

The chemo place was on the other side of the hospital. We were off. When we got to the floor there were 6 chemo chairs. There were two nurses working the unit and about 4 other patients already receiving their chemo. They were all over the age of at least 55.

I was getting anxious, I went pee, and came back and got comfortable. The nurse R got me prepped for my IV. She was the sweetest. She had a sadness in her eyes, something about her, just full of so much empathy. She talked slowly and sweetly, almost like a lullaby. We told her how my veins were impossible and she not only got the first stick but when we took the IV out later that day, barely noticed it. She was clearly used to working with people who are poked day in and day out and don't have much to work with.

Once my IV was in they started with 1mg of Ativan, to calm my nerves and my nausea. Then they began to run fluids because chemo can be hard on your kidneys and so they needed to flush them out. My sister and I were chatting and I was a little hazy, and still feeling nauseous. They brought around a lunch menu and I got really excited. I was excited at the idea of the food, but not for the food its self because I didn't eat any of it. Food and me are not getting along at the moment. It could also be a subconscious thing, if there is nothing in my stomach to throw up, then I wont be sick. Regardless its not a fun feeling.

We had a clown come in, and she was super sweet. She had a teddy bear on her tush.... and when we asked why it was there she said, "Because thats my Bear @$$" hahah.

Eventually my haze was taking over. The storm was full blown encapsulating my brain in a fog I could no longer fight and I was out. It may have been the second mg of Ativan or just the stress of the situation but I was done. I slept through the rest of the chemo. I woke up to just as much of a fog. I remember them taking my IV out and us leaving. Getting in the car, getting home, and waking up in my bed. All I wanted to do was sleep.

My skin turned pink like bubblegum because I was having a reaction to the Dex which is one of the drugs used to pretreat for nausea. This was it, here come the chemo side effects. All I wanted to do was sleep. My body temperature continued changing from hot to cold to hot to cold. Friday night I woke up constantly through the night, tossing and turning. Saturday morning I woke up to realize I had a fever at around 99. If it gets up to 101- I have to be admitted into the hospital.

Its Saturday now, with the rate of progression, I may start to feel better by Tuesday, and then I will have to start all over again. The radiation is just making me severely uncomfortable. I have to pee all the time. My back pain has ten fold increased. Its easier to let my mind stay in the fog then to come out of it and deal with reality. I have moments of clarity, like when my mum and I went to Barnes and Noble last night to pick up a book a friend said I HAD to read. I also painted my nails. I was out of it, I didn't feel well, but I had enough energy to do a few basic things. Those moments are far and few between and I'm so glad my mum and I had as much fun as we possibly could before I started treatment.

Now I've started. I'm ready to just continue and get this finished. If this is week one, then its not going to be easy in the slightest. But nothing worthwhile is easy.

And So It Begins.... Radiation Day 1

If you had have asked me what I expected from today when I woke up, it would be completely different from how my day ended up. (Tuesday August 27)

We had our appointment at Lankenau hospital today to just get more information on the radiation. I was scheduled to start radiation, but after our appointment at Cooper, we weren't so sure. We went into the appointment armed with a little more knowledge about the whole process and wanted to see what was different between the two hospitals and why one was better than the other.

Once in the appointment, Dr. D2 started going over everything again. It turned out, his treatment plan was almost identical to Coopers. Cooper had just gone into a lot more detail when describing (which I hate) and that's why I felt like they were completely different. Dr. D2 had a confidence about him. He knew what he needed to do and didn't want to waste time. I wouldn't be able to start with Cooper for another week. I WOULD be able to start today with him. He got up, left the room to give my mum and I a chance to decide, and my mom and I agreed, Lankenau it is. I don't want to wait any longer. Dr. D2 said it himself, my cancer was metastatic meaning it spreads and if we don't get it under control sooner than later who knows where else it will spread too and how treatable that will be.

I didn't care anymore. I like Cooper's facilities better, but I like my doctors at Lankenau better. My decision was made. Lankenau also brought up one more point that for me was a big deal. They were NOT going to do the surgery. They said there was only a 7% false positive rate that my lymph nodes were faking being cancerous. They were just going to assume they are. The robotic surgery is risky. Its dangerous. There will be scars, and I already have enough, hence why I hate bikini season.

The other thing I liked about Dr. D2, he said this one sentence which made me feel a lot better.

"You're only 25, you're young, I'm treating to cure so I'm going to be aggressive. To give you the best quality of life."

That sentence made me feel like he knows that there is no point in curing if there is no life to live after. It sounds morbid, but its true. That instilled the confidence in me to say lets just do this. I feel like I've been waiting around for Cooper and I don't have time to wait. My life is waiting for me.

I miss my friends. I miss work. GOODNESS GOLLY do I miss work. I miss my customers, my regulars, my coworkers who are my friends, I miss my bosses, even the crazy ones. I miss my gym, I miss my hometown which can honestly be insanely annoyingly small at times but I don't even care anymore. We got a FroYo place, so obviously they're moving up in the world. I want to move on and start by getting home. I'm not even upset I'm going home to the crazyness that ensues when you put your life on hold, "like crap will my car work, prob not." Dealing with OSAP and phone bills and all this stuff you try to put on hold. Its just a pain, but I don't even care. I can't even wait.

So I started radiation. I walked over with the techs and they compared me with my picture that they took on the first day I met them. (Yup, because everybody wants to be getting radiation these days, its all the rage.) I went into the room, and there was a huge machine on the table. All I keep thinking about when I think about it, is the villain from Spiderman, Dr. Octopus. The machine had these long arm like things that went around your body to take pictures (xrays before the radiation) and it was so creepy. I wasn't allowed to move. Every time the radiation beam would fire, these 5 lights which resembled Emergency Exit signs lit up with a beeping nose. My heart jumped each time.

*This is an advertisement for the machine. It's similar but not even close.

I was afraid to move even the slightest movement. I was scared at first, because how was I supposed to know how this was supposed to feel. I could feel tears welling up, and could just picture them about to roll down my cheeks but then my mindset changed. The cancer is on the left side of my pelvis and I just pictured my cancer clinging on for dear life as this machine zapped its brains out. I pictured it shrinking, disappearing. By the time I knew it, it was over. The techs came back in and told me they had to give me another tattoo. Great. That was it, it was done. I felt weird.

People keep asking me

"How do you feel?"

I don't know how I feel. I feel weird. Somethings off. I can feel the cancer, as weird as that sounds. Its on my left side and it feels like there is this cramp like sensation there. Its not tingly and its not crampy its just awkward feeling there. It feels like if I laugh too hard or loud or move the wrong way it could burst. I feel like I constantly have to pee and like I did a really intense ab workout. There's this burn sensation but not. It's just not something you can describe. I'm tired and just weirded out.

We start chemo tomorrow. Between the two, I'm probably going to be feeling like $#!%. I'm angry at the people who assumed,

"Oh this will be a piece of cake."

No, its not. It sucks and let me feel like it sucks. Stop trying to tell me not to get mad or telling me to stop pitying myself because I'm allowed to be angry and upset. I can be the most positive person in the world, because I am, I know I'm going to beat this, but I can and am allowed to hurt, and cry and be pissed the **** off sometimes.

There's nothing worse then when people try to tell you,

"Well maybe you should go do this"

, or

"maybe doing something will help."

Well you know what, maybe laying in my bed, doing nothing or reading and taking my mind off the situation will help too.
I had a person after chemo say

"Well I think it would be good for you to get out of the house, see a movie and take your mind off things."

I felt like I wanted all day to die, stop pressuring. Odds are I want to see you, I usually do, but unfortunately it has to be on my time right now. How I am going to be feeling is unpredictable, Don't take it personal.

The hardest part about dealing with any type of cancer is people not being able to relate to the situation and thinking they understand completely. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. No matter how close you are to someone who has gone through it. I can't even relate to people that have gone through it because everyone's situation is different. Its a really lonely feeling.

The best thing people have done for me to help me get through, is to take my mind off of it. The last time I was in transplant, Twilight was just about to come out. I became obsessed, with everything Twilight. I read the books in 5 days, I went and saw the movie 13 times (I was in isolation and the only thing I was allowed to do out of the house was go to matinee movies.) It was the best distraction. Go ahead, ask me questions to understand, don't ever assume. I don't mind answering questions, it helps me to know that you're at least trying to understand. That you care. Some times, I'm not going to want to talk about it and some days I would LOVE to vent. This is where support becomes a fine line. I had a person wish me luck for radiation yesterday. After I said thanks he asked

"When will you get the results?"

haha I giggled and laughed but thought it was adorable.

"Its not a test, its a treatment so there wont be results."

I appreciated he asked, I appreciated he cared and don't expect him to know whats going on and that is 100% ok.

It sounds like I'm really ungrateful for a lot of the support I've received. I'm not, I'm so blessed. But I also know this situation is similar to a funeral... You don't know what to say. Its ok to not know what to say, whats not ok is to assume you know whats best. Aid in helping someone deal, don't tell them how to deal with their life altering situation.

As I head into the microwave Dr. Octopus machine tomorrow, I'm going to remember:

"Yes this sucks! Yes you are one unlucky SOB, but YES you can get through it. Yes you WILL get through it. Yes your life will never be the same, but YES you will have a life and you have amazing friends and family, and although you will never be ordinary and normal, you will just have to do with being extraordinary, and special."

Some Days...

There are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. Today was a bad day. (Monday)

I went to Cooper to get a second opinion for radiation treatment. The Cooper team wants me to have another surgery next week. Its much bigger than the last one. They are going to biopsy the periaordic lymph nodes (the one in my abdomen.) They don't want to radiate them unless they ABSOLUTELY have too. The more radiation, the more likely it will trigger my leukemia to come back. So, with that being said, they want to conclusively determine whether or not the cancer spread to those lymph nodes.

In the meantime, they will begin radiation of the pelvis, but with a different type of radiation. Yes there are different types, to me it all just seems like cooking me in a microwave. So I have two hospital teams saying kind of opposite things. What happens if I chose one team, and it doesn't work, or the symptoms and side effects are awful, and I could have chosen the other team and avoided them. What if I chose one team and it doesn't work, and the other team would have. All of these whats if F^(%!#@ Suck! I don't like what ifs.

My philosophy with a lot of the hospital stuff is, I don't want to know what you're doing, just do it. Don't tell me about all of the scary potential side effects. We'll deal with them when we have too, all you're doing is stressing me the hell out. I get it they have to disclose everything, but I don't want to know. As long as I'm not in a study, and its going to get me better, do it.

We're going back to Lankenau one more time to let them state their case. Give them a chance to tell us why their way is better. I'm thinking Cooper strictly for the reason that Lankenau doc is a dude and Cooper is a woman, and the dude talked about inserting this thing (a plastic like cylinder to help the radiation beams go exactly where they need to go, YAH and you thought an IUD was bad), and described it

"Oh its just like a tampon, except plastic."

Yeah well Cooper doc said

"Umm not so much, men will describe anything that goes up there like a tampon. You need sedation for it."

Well thats just peachy keen. I can't wait for the days when the only things I'll be sticking up there will be tampons, boys and BOB (Battery operated boyfriend for those of you who don't know who BOB is.)

I left the hospital. I was supposed to see my psych doc, but we ran late and I was mentally exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone. Except K, and E, who really surprised me and is continuing to surprise me, in a good way.

I came home and my mom made me eat. I've never had a problem with my appetite. I've never been the girl who gets stressed and doesn't want to eat, well today, food repulsed me. So my mom forced me to eat and I went to sleep. I read a little bit and was out. cold.

I woke up, watched a movie, and had dinner. Luckily my mom made a pot roast. It was delicious and comfort food. The doc told me I'm going to have to eliminate veggies and fruit from my diet. Great, I've been working since march to transform my diet and now they want me to revert back to my old ways. Life is one big contradiction.

My other friend K messaged me and was like wanna skype? I was like

"I look like hell but sure."

I got on Skype and it was all my work friends there with her. I bawled, my eyes out. You don't realize how much you miss some people until you see them and know you can't see them for a long time. It was the perfect end to this day because quite honestly today sucked. I only got a few minutes with them before Skype conked out, but it was better than nothing. They went out and partied that night and took my fundraiser sign with them to take pics with. They made me feel included from 500 miles away. Those are some GOOD friends! Thank you guys :)

At least I'm going to bed not feeling forgotten, feeling WAY more homesick. Today is the kind of day, that makes me want to just get better, hide out in the country and live the simplest life possible. No ambitions, nothing exciting, but today is just one day in this grand scheme of things. Tomorrow is a new day. In fact, there are only 14 minutes left in today. 14 Minutes until I get a fresh day to start again. Because, some days are going to be good and some days are not. Today is one of the days that are not, and thats ok.

John Mayer, Jake Owen, Jason Aldean & Jack Daniels: My men this weekend. P1

I woke up and opened my eyes. Not the kind of wake up where you roll over, stare into the sunlight, blink 100 times and adjust to your surroundings. No, the kind where your eyes shoot open, wide open, your hands instantly fly out to your sides and grip the closest thing. I saw deep brown walls, a big mirror on the wall, and windows covered up by dark curtains. My head was pounding.

"Where the HELL was I?"

After a couple minutes of adjusting to the volcano erupting in my head, and my eyes dissecting the room, it hit me.

"What the HELL am I doing in my sisters bed?"

I rolled over, and tried to get up.

"Hmm this is going to be a lot harder than it should be."

I braced my self and pushed my self up with every ounce of energy I could muster. As soon as I was vertical, my volcano turned into the death star blowing up my brain.

"This is not going to be a good day."

I wobbled to the bathroom, gripping every surface I could find on the way to stable myself. I peed, and with my eyes closed and an evil smiling grin thought to myself

"That was one HELL of a night!"

It all started on Friday while laying in bed with my mum. I knew this was going to be my last weekend before treatment and if its anything like it has been in the past, we know that making plans is impossible. Expect the unexpected. SO we wanted to do it up this weekend, and do it up might be an understatement. I had been talking about how I wanted to go to Jason Aldean all week. I missed Boots and Hearts and the Havelock Jamboree (both country festivals in Canada.) I love country. All of it. Back to when I used to Dj and bartend on Tumbleweed Tuesdays at the Ale House Canteen in Kingston ($4 Beer boots anyone?) My first concert was Garth Brooks, and I was seriously young. So my mum looked at me and was like,

"ok lets see if we can get tickets."

I think my mum has a magical touch because not only did we get tickets we got 13th row. The concert was on Saturday and I was so excited I couldn't even handle it. It gets better, John Mayer was also in town. He was playing Friday night and she looked at me as said, wanna go? I was like UH YES! We were doing the double hitter and I was STOKED!

I was supposed to go see JOHN FREAKING MAYER (Friends With Benefits fans anyone?) with a guy friend about 4 years ago. I even told him,

"look R, are you sure you're taking me because if not I'll get my own tickets."

He responded with "No, no its you and me!" Well that didn't happen and I was SOOOO mad at him. Legit pissed, more so bummed I missed the concert, because that was also for my favorite album of his 'Battle Studies". It worked out though, because I was finally getting to go. My concert bucket list was being ticked off one by one this summer. There really isn't that much to do around here in Philly.

Friday night, me, J and my mom. John Mayer, 8th row center, HEAVEN. I raided my sisters closet, got ready and we were off. We got there, did the usual, our 3B routine; bathroom, booze and buy tshirts. We were almost ready to go. We had to grab the crab fries. LOVE THEM. I sat next to this older woman (at least 50s) and realized she was there by herself. It made sense because we had 3 tickets so odds are she bought the single. It was so cute, because she was there just because she loved the music. So much so, she didn't care if anyone else came with her. She was married because she had on a wedding ring too. Personally, I would kick my husbands tush if he made me go alone but I was like

"Damn, I want to have this woman's balls some day."

I'll do movies by myself and go to restaurants, I mean sometimes I don't want to be around people, I just feel like a concert is a whole other level. She rocked out and it was adorable. Philip Phillips opened and he was AMAZING. He did a lil Wayne cover and it was epic. John sounded incredible live. It was madness. He played for two and a half hours and it was just a huge jam sesh. The concert was tailored for his die hard fans. There were a lot of songs I didn't know, and I have all of his cds and listen to them, all the time. I think he played a lot of stuff off his new album which comes out like next week. It was still so good. Talk about talent.

At one point he kind of stopped the show because a girl was holding up a sign that said "Please Play 'Comfortable'". He commented on her sign and was like "It's not on the set list but because its such a beautiful song, lets do it." He whipped it out like it was nothing and the cameras panned to the girl and she was basically crying. It was the cutest thing and I think the highlight of my night. Something about seeing people that happy, just makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

As we were standing there, loving life, I was looking off to the side of the stage to see if Katy Perry was by chance there. I saw a blonde haired guy and was like...

"Hmmm I know that hair"

Then I saw two other guys with him, and grabbed my mums arm,

"OMG MOM, thats Harry Styles and Niall Horan and Liam from One Direction!"

She was like

"Who?"

I was like MOOMMMMM! I had watched them on GMA that morning so I knew they were in the area. After John's last song before his encore, he walked over and gave his guitar to Niall. The lights were out but Niall stood up and waved it to the crowd. It was a John Mayer concert so I doubt there were a lot of directioners there but I have very eclectic taste and I knew exactly who it was and was excited about it ::not ashamed::. My suspicions were later confirmed when the boys tweeted a pic from the concert. I was crushed, I should have tried to get pics. I was also so stoked!

After the concert we went to the Cheesecake Factory. I was pooped but I needed munchies. It was so good as usual. It was just an all around fun evening. Saturday is where things get interesting.

*I don't like bananas plain, but had to eat something in the car on the way there to take a med and a banana was all I could find.

I slept in all day Saturday. My energy levels were already low from the night before and I knew tonight was going to be UNREAL! My mum woke me up and I got ready as quick as I could. We had to head into Philly to pick up our tickets. Now according to my mum there was some drama, but I'll get to that later. I put in my biggest and best country curls and was going to wear my favorite white sundress but I had forgotten my cowboy boots in Canada and something about it just felt wrong if I wore flip flops. This is now the SECOND case of underpacked, cough cough "DAD" cough cough. So I went with Jeans, a black tank and my cowboy hat. My mum and I ended up being kinda twins, it was cute.

We grabbed food for our tailgate and some beer and were on our way. We picked up the tickets, and because of the miscommunication, we ended up getting two extras. We didn't notice till we were in the car. We figured we could pawn them, or worst/fun case pay it forward. We had VIP parking which was sweet too. We got to the lot, set up shop and were ready to go. I told my mum not to underestimate country fans, we're loyal as hell. People had been there drinking all day. Apparently, (and we found this out after the show), there were something like 4,000 people who stayed in the parking lots after the concert started to just party and listen to the music. Thats pretty damn cool!

Some people had these little tents, which looked weird. When we got a closer look we realized people had brought their own porta potties. ::Mind. Blown.:: There were pick up trucks with stripper poles in the beds. STRIPPER POLES. Little did I realize the foreshadowing this was for the rest of the night. We went over to another lot and the people had clearly been there all day. It was like a frat party. You could barely move there were so many people, the music was blaring and everyone was rocking their red solo cups. As we were walking through one guy looked at my mum and yelled "MOMMMMMMMMMM". It was the funniest thing ever, she grabbed me and was like moving on, clearly unimpressed.

In line for the porta potty we made some new friends. Leave it to the Canadians to find each other. I went on a beer run and when I got to the line I saw my mum chatting away with these pretty hot guys. I was like uh OKAY Chaunce, way to work it. It turned out they were from Canada. Upon further probing we discovered they were rookies here for Flyers training camp. They had just come to party but wanted tickets and we had tickets. It was really funny because we had noticed them right when we first got there... My mum was like

"OOH Pink shorts- he is so your type"

I was like

"Thanks mom but nah, theres another cowboy I'd rather be with."

Turned out he was with our hockey buds. We went over to their tailgate and pink shorts was WASTED. I asked him

"Do the color of your shorts speak to your sexual orientation?"

He looked at his friend and was like

"She just chirped my shorts"

then came over and kissed me on the cheek. So cute. So drunk. We ended up just giving the one player T our extra tickets because he was actually really polite and nice. He wasn't wasted and was just an all around nice guy. He didn't walk around boasting who he was and I appreciated that. My mum had a friend selling tickets too, the other guys got theirs as well from him. We parted ways before the show but it added to our tailgate experience.

We went into the show and pulled our 3B routine. Bathroom, Booze, & Buy. I got the CUTEST shirts, which I'm actually obsessed with. We missed Thomas Rhett but we got there just in time for Jake Owen.

Oh. My. Gawd.

He was incredible live. He would take pics with peoples' camera phones, sign hats, drink people in the audience's beer. He was so entertaining, so hot, so good live. My mum was shocked at how full it was, because normally the opening act is hit or miss, but everyone was in their seats ready to go. He dedicated "Alone With You" to all the cowboys with their cowgirls and it made me wish a certain someone was there with me, (not saying I didn't have fun with my mom, I mean she's my partner in crime!) Did I mention how hot Jake Owen was?

Jason was so close I could hardly wait. DJ Silver played and he was AWESOME. But then, the lights went low. It was so dark you couldn't see anything... until the screens lit up. At the top of the main screen on stage that was flashing Crazytown, (the song he opened with) was the silhouette of a cowboy. My heart stopped. It was go time!

I rocked out the whole show. I could barely even handle it. My calves hurt so much today because I constantly jump up and down during concerts. Its a great workout, I highly recommend it. I was singing, bopping around, my cowboy hat flew off like 5 times and we were so lucky the people around us were cool. Our seats were so close. The pictures don't do it justice.

When he played "She's Country" you would have thought I won the lottery. I was jumping up and down so hard, it was as if there was an invisible jump rope. Maybe all my trainer needed to do to get me to jump longer than 30 seconds was to play that song because I went non stop! His encore was "My Kind Of Party" and I was just as stoked! My mom looked over at me half way through the concert and I was like

"WHAT are you staring at?"

She was like

"You know every word"

in a very surprised tone. I was like

"Mom, I don't think you understand this secret obsession I have with country music, cowboys and plaid. Tonight is one of the highlights of my summer!"

We got a sweet little surprise too. So Jason walks to the top of the main screen and talks about how he did this duet with Kelly Clarkson. I was like "OOh saw her two weeks ago." So he's like

"Yea we did this song 'Don't You Wanna Stay' and so ladies and gentleman KELLY CLARKSON."

I was expecting her to show up on a screen or something like a video but NO! SHE WAS THERE! I just about died. What are the odds she was at our show? She's touring with Maroon 5, how did this happen? She looked hot too! She had a skin tight red leopard print dress (very fitting for Jersey.)I was stoked, it was just the BEST concert. He is so talented and sounded amazing live and I would put it in the top 2 concerts I've ever seen. Yes, ahead of Britney, I know I know I just admitted that.

When it was over I was crushed. I actually could have stayed a few more hours....

So the rest of my night.... ::Evil Grin:: There will be a part two. :)

Until then, I need to sleep. I have my second opinion tomorrow with Cooper Radiation people. We got what could be bad news on Friday. I may have to have another surgery to biopsy the lymph node. This would be a lot more intense than the last one because I would be completely under anesthesia, and they would use robots. Hmmm that sounds fun. ANy other scenario and they would just radiate but they don't want to have to give me any more radiation than they have too because it really could trigger my bone marrow, i.e. my leukemia to relapse. So we're waiting to get more information. Until then, I start radiation on Tuesday. ::Not Excited!:: So we'll be getting more information on that this week. I can just sit and think about how amazing my weekend was whenever it gets me down.

Thanks Mom!

How You Heal, Has Nothing To Do With How You Physically Feel

What is Healing: Healed?

I just read an article about healing. Is illness a manifestation of all of our negative thoughts and energies? If we meditate more, pray more, will we become "healed?" Buddhist principals say that: life is suffering. Am I sick to remind me I'm alive? Maybe I'm sick to remind others how lucky they are to be alive? Maybe I'm not sick for any single reason, maybe I just am.

I used to joke that me being sick the first time was just further proof that my parents divorce was the best thing possible because their genes clearly don't mesh well together. I think the question becomes, why do I need to know why? Most likely, there isn't a why. I do get frustrated and think, if this is just a luck of the draw scenario, then why me FOUR TIMES? Why couldn't I have won the lottery FOUR times? Luck is not on my side. So, if there is no reason, is it really so wrong to create reasons for myself to make myself feel better?

To Remind People Life Is Short

Your life could be taken at any second. Think Regina George in Mean Girls being hit by a bus, dude that could be you. But seriously, you never know. I used to count down the days to things, concerts/ birthdays/ holidays/ etc, but I think that is the wrong way to approach life. You shouldn't be wasting those days, wishing them away, just to get somewhere in the future quicker, because you're going to look back and wish you could have those days back. I ask myself, what about today was fabulous? What made today a special day? Because realistically, each day is a gift.

My mom got a 250/250 on her end of semester assignment that was worth the majority of her grade for one of her courses, and I helped her with it! She was so excited. Jumping around like a little kid who just brought home their first report card with an A. It was amazing to see her so happy, and feeling so accomplished, and yes knowing I contributed to that happiness.
I also went to the DMV with my sister (haha I know that doesn't sound like it will have a happy ending but hang in there). I didn't want to go, I wanted to lay around and be lazy. I was bored. I had nothing else, to do and was like why not, go spend time with your sister. We had a blast. The DMV guy was flirting with me, and even pulled the

"Are you even old enough to be a bartender line."

It was amazing. I felt giddy like a little school girl and one of the seniors just winked at me. As we were pulling out I said,

"OMG Nat, that was so much fun. DMV's are not like that in Canada."

To which she replied in a mocking voice,

"I had so much fun at the DMV'-said no one ever."

I laughed and legit love how funny my sister is. She compliments me in her weird ways-

"You're so smart but you sound SO dumb when you talk like an ACTUAL blonde."

Uh thanks. She drove by the insane asylum, just because I wanted to see it. We bonded in our weird "we have nothing in common" way but it was time I wouldn't trade for anything. It was a good day. I didn't win a Nobel prize or deliver a baby, or save a cat from a tree, but I had some meaningful moments, that I may not remember in twenty years, but today was not a waste. Today just added blocks to the foundations of the relationships with those two people who are important to me. As cliche as it sounds... live every day as if it were your last.

Appreciate The People In Your Life

Appreciate the people in your life, all of them. Even the ones that have hurt you. I guarantee if you look closely enough at the situation, you learned something from it. Don't hold grudges, what does that get you. A little extra weight on your shoulders? Awkward run ins, tension and just really nothing worth while. My new thing is asking myself

"What do you hope to accomplish by this?"

I ask myself this before everything. Good things, bad things, any decisions. Especially when I'm mad, before I say something, I ask myself this. It prevents me from throwing low blows which inevitably leads nowhere good. It makes me think my decisions through way more thoroughly.

The smallest things, anything that shows that you were being thought about, or were thinking about someone else, are so important. I had someone recently tell me, that they were having a conversation with other people and social media came up. They were talking about who their favorite person was to follow, and I came up as their answer, even before I had gotten sick. This was a huge compliment over something so small. They relayed it to me, and honestly I was glowing, it made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Tell people how you feel, because they may not know. Even if its something small. How do you feel when someone you've never met compliments you, pretty damn good. So we need to focus on more positive feedback in life. Lets start telling people what they're doing right more often instead of whats wrong.

Appreciate and Take Care of You

I think this is a really important one. As you get older, your body grows weaker, you grow wiser. When you are sick, things your body used to be able to do, things you used to take for granted get taken from you. I miss my trainer A, every day. I would bitch and moan and complain about going to the gym, but she was giving me the greatest gift of all. A healthier body, and even more so a healthier mind. Yes I was exhausted because I had to work 3 extra days a week to afford it, but it was worth it. I forgot that if I don't take care of my body, I don't have a way to live my life. Your body encases your soul, so no matter how strong your will to live, and your soul may be, with out your body you don't have a life. With that being said, you could have the best body on the planet, but if you are not content with yourself, your body is just an empty case. I finally feel as if my mindset is the best its ever been, and now my body, my home, is failing me.

Now that my body is being taken from me, I wish I had taken better care of it. I never smoked, I didn't tan in tanning beds and most of the time I wear sunscreen. I don't do drugs but I definitely drink. What can I say, I have a weakness for extra dirty Kettle One martinis and Caesars. (Americans: think blood mary but 100x better) I like to think I played by the rules and I'm still suffering. However, I did what I could I guess. Could I have been better, absolutely. I was a pudgy munchkin last year and still have a little extra love pudding to lose. BUT I like me. I know who I am, and I'm not ashamed nor sorry for it. It took me a long time to figure out who that was. It also took me a long time to figure out that not everyone will like that person but as long as I do, that's all that matters. So as much as I'm saying take care of you "as in your body" I'm saying take care of you the person inside. It has to balance out.

People are going to judge you and bring you down. But I've learned two things about that... It doesn't matter if people judge me. I. Like. Me. You can't change what people think, you can just know that as long as you were you, and the best version of you, that their judgements are not worth your energy. This also goes to say though... Who are you to judge anyone?

Realistically, life is to short for me to waste time and energy trying to get them to stop judging me. Just be you.

This is all hard to explain. I mean, I feel like I am preaching but as I laid here today trying to think what I wanted to write about, I kept thinking about who I was and why this was important to me. The things that are most important to me are my relationships with my family and my friends. With people whom I've never met who have reached out to me, because they are inspired or offering support. You think about your legacy, how you want to be remembered. Not because you think that being remembered is the only thing people will have left of you soon, (Sorry, I'm going to win this fight and be here a hell of a lot longer) but because its a legacy that you want to cultivate while you still have time. It puts the "why me" into perspective of why its ok that this happened to me, and how I'll be ok. Not only will I be ok, but I will learn, and grow from this and be better because of it. Its not going to bring me down, and its just going to reinforce who I am. This is my reminder of who I am and why I am that way and really as much as it sucks, why I'm grateful. I could have taken years to figure this out, and I'm sure there is still a lot more for me to learn about myself but for right now, this is good, I'm ok. I don't like it, but I'm ok.

Your bruises will disappear and your illnesses will come and go. They suck, but they're a reminder that you're human. Illness reduces you to the most basic of human physical weakness, and connects us all because it affects us all. It serves as a reminder to:

Live, not because you have too, but because you have been lucky enough to have been given the opportunity too.

*Just one of my battle wounds from surgery*

*Would like to send a shout out to pinterest for all the pins. I went on a bit of a rampage lol*

Lymph Node Biopsy, with drugs and pickles :)

As I rolled over in my bed, my back instantly had a shooting pain like Zeus shooting a lightening bolt. I woke up instantly from the pain. 5:55am. Great. I still have 35 minutes until I have to be awake. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth like gum sticks to your shoe. I was so parched. I knew I was allowed one sip of water to take my meds, so I decided to use it wisely. I got a perc and my other two morning meds and savored that one single sip like it was going to be my last. Frustrated because it was not even remotely enough, I knew that being in a little discomfort now, would override vomiting my brains out later, so I let it go.

I crawled back into bed and grabbed my phone. Figured I could find something to kill time with on there. Solitaire, Yahtzee, Euchre, OOH a text from crush.

"Good Luck Today :**:".

Those are the kinds of things that make waking up on a day like this a whole lot nicer. It was the perfect start to my day!

My mum walked in to see if I was awake and was shocked that I was.

"What are you doing up?"

I told her about my back and how I was a little anxious about what was ahead. She told me to get ready to go and I was like fine. I threw on my VS cropped sweats, a lulu top and my Lady Gaga zip up hoodie. I was like there's no point in a bra because I'll have to take it off anyway. Tuxx was snuggled on my bed, and I so would have rather just crawled under my *new* covers and hid with him. But, it was go time. I grabbed my book and purse and normally a water bottle, but was forced to continue being parched... so I walked. It was like walking the plank on a pirate ship... those slow dragging your feet steps, to your demise.

We got in the car and were off. It was one of those, I just want to talk about boys kind of days. So I did and it was great, because the car ride flew by. J, my mum's partner in crime, who came with us had some great guy advice.

"I would go with *, he seems like a genuinely good guy."

We went over the pros and cons and it was actually really fun to discuss it with someone who wasn't a chick.

"It's not even really like it matters right now, I'm currently not exactly in the dating pool."

In fact if I were to fully jump in, I'd probably drown. Of course when I was healthy, the pool was empty, but now that I'm sick again, its just been cleaned, refilled, the ph is perfect and its sunny with a chance of hotties, lots of them.

As we were driving to the hospital we got a call around 7:44am. (We had left the house at 7, and it takes about an hour to get there.) It was the booking lady from Interventional Radiology. (My moms phone goes through the blue tooth in her car so we could all hear.)

"Hi, this is L from I.R., we were just wondering where you were because Courtney is supposed to be on the table at 8 and you were supposed to be here at 7:30"

My mom extremely agitated said,

"I thought so, but we got a call last night after 6pm from K and she said that it had been moved to 8:30 and that we didn't need to be there until 8."

The lady got a little more agitated and was like

"Well we don't have a K in our department so I don't know who called you. We gave you your paperwork and it said 7:30. How long do you think you'll be?"

We told her we were getting there as fast as we could. Never a dull moment with us. My mum being in the medical field was exceptionally frustrated because we were just doing what we were told. How were we supposed to know that this rando person was calling us with misinformation, even after my mom questioned it to her. Later in pre op, the nurses told us not to worry because this isn't the first time this has happened so I felt a lot better. The rest of the car ride however, we boogied.

I got a little antsy by this call. Now I was just thinking to myself

"Great, they're going to be rushed and mess something up."

As if I wasn't already nervous. We took a new route which we loved, Thank you Dr. D2. When we got there my mum had me jump out and run to admissions to register. She and J valeted the car. I went in and explained the situation and was like

"LOOK, I'm kinda in a rush because there was a miscommunication, so I know you need me to sign the sheet, wait my turn and stuff, but they need me up there now."

She looked at me, with absolutely no expression in her face (obviously one of those people who LOVED their job) and said

"Sign the sheet, we'll call you when its your turn."

So I did. My mum came in and I explained. I had gotten even antsier after about 4 minutes of waiting, so I said

"I'm just going to go upstairs to the unit, you wait, and I'll let them know I'm here but that they're taking their sweet @$$ time down here."

It was go time. On my way out, there was this huge piano, I wanted to go belt out a round of heart and soul so badly, but the sign said I wasn't allowed. It was a good thing I was running late or anything could have happened.

I got to the floor and the girls were SO nice. It was different then the outpatient surgery unit I had been on for my EUA. I had my own private room, with a tv and a closet. It was nice that my mum could wait there instead of a generic waiting room with infomercials. I was fascinated that they left a love note on the toilet.

"Sanitized for your protection."

I was like well thank you for thinking of my tush!

My mum and J left admissions because they were still taking too long. I got undressed into the sexiest that hospital wear has to offer. After they put in my iv, I had a mini photo shoot. When I get nervous, I do whatever I can to take my mind off of it. Be funny, or at least try, talk, dance sing whatever.

The nurses went over a bunch of questions with me, since they had to register me. While they did that, I braided my hair to get it out of the way. I was getting antsy again.

We were almost ready to head to Interventional Radiology. They told me I had to pee first. All I wanted was ice chips of some sort. My mouth felt like I had eaten a spoonful of flower. It was rollin time.

We got into the IR pre op area. It was nice. I met my new nurse S and the first thing I noticed was her pocket on her scrubs. It was full of syringes which I knew were full of happy medicine. I was ready and excited. At least if I was going to be scared $#!%less we could get the happy drugs flowing. Her and my mum started talking about the IV I already had. Apparently it was only a 22, and because I was going to be receiving contrast (The dye to make everything visible in the catscan) I needed at least a 20. (The smaller the number, the bigger the needle 20>22). I was most likely going to need another IV and I was not excited about that. S, however had already gotten on my mom's good side. My mum being a former nurse can tell when someone knows their $#!%. I later found out during my procedure (because yes I was akwake) that S, had a shit szu. I should have known, no wonder she and my mom were instantly on the same page.

The doctor came in and introduced himself He seemed really relaxed and like he totally knew his stuff. He went on to describe the procedure to which I stopped him.

"I'm sorry I really would rather not know what you're doing."

I put my hands over my ears and started humming like a 5 year old. I knew If I knew what was going on, I would break down into a ball of nerves. He left and the nurses continued to prep me.

After I was almost finished prepping it was time to take me to the Cat Scan procedure room. I would have to say good bye to my mum at the door. The team got me rolling and I met the other two nurses. I felt so comfortable with all three. I knew this wasn't going to be as bad as I thought but I was still nervous. As we were rolling I said

"Who has two thumbs and needs drugs- THIS GIRL!"

When we got into the procedure room the first things I saw were the cat scanner and the table. They asked if I could walk and I was like totally. I laid down and that was when it hit me. This was happening. I started shaking, and they thought I was just cold, and I might have been, but I was nervous as hell. They put warm blankets on me and started prepping me to get me into position. If they were pushing the Versaid, I didn't feel it. I felt nothing. Tears started to stream, and S knelt down beside me and started talking me through it.

"Its ok Court, you're doing absolutely great"

I kept apologizing for shaking but I couldn't help it.

"Stop apologizing, you're doing great. Just try and breathe, relax and let the drugs work."

I kept trying to breathe. I even thought for a few minutes to try my ujjayi breathing technique. Its a yoga breathing technique to generate heat and energy for flow yoga classes. I don't know how well that worked and I probably looked crazy. The nurses and doctor had to leave the room a few times for me to go into the cat scan machine. They put the second IV in and luckily the meds worked in the sense that I didn't feel it. The tears would always flow even faster during the cat scan parts because I think I felt the most alone and exposed. They came back out and placed a sticker of sorts on my tummy. It felt like a graph. C, one of the cat scan techs injected the dye and then I went back into be scanned.

After I had been scanned for what felt like the third time, the nurses came in and the doc started smearing something all over my tummy. OH great. So that part that I didn't want to hear about in pre op was about to happen. Then he said

"Tiny pinches"

. Tears were now pulsating down my cheek as if they were in a race to see who could fall the fastest. Dr. B poked me with lidocaine needles which hurt more then you would expect. "Ugh more scars for my tummy" was all I was thinking. As Dr. B was poking, S was simultaneously shooting me up with more drugs. One of the nurses was stroking my head to try and calm me down and another was holding my hand. I knew something intense must have been coming. Everything was a little blurry at this point but I remember the tears. There were so many which is why is was blurry. It was as if it was pouring rain and the windshield washers just could not keep up fast enough. I felt an odd sensation in my tummy. I could see the cold bright lights. I could hear the nurses. S,

"Breathe Court, let the meds work, you're doing awesome. We're almost done."

They sent me in to the scan again, and then Dr. B came to talk to me. He pulled out what must have been the biopsy tube and it felt like pulling a huge sliver out. I could feel the wiggly cord as it came slithering out.

"I'm very sorry Courtney, but we're not going to be able to complete the procedure. I'm not out to prove anything today and its just not safe to continue. We've been in here for about 2 hours and I don't want to risk it."

TWO HOURS? It had felt like twenty minutes. I was devastated that it had all been for nothing. This meant more radiation.

I think because I was finally able to relax, or so I thought, knowing that it was over and there would be no more pain, I blacked out for a little bit. I woke up in the IR recovery room and was given some Ativan. Although I was no longer scared I was upset. I wanted my mom. She had apparently gone on a coffee run and there was a miscommunication about whether we would go to her, or she to us. I was given gingerale, or shasta. haha I don't even know, and my favorite peanut butter crackers. While I waited, S showed me pics of her shit szu, Lady. She was a little muffin. All of the nurses were ordering food, and it made me realize how hungry I really was. I started to get a little emotional because the time was really ticking by. My mum wasn't coming to us, and I knew it. Not because she didn't want too, because I knew that if she knew I wanted her there... she would have come barreling in, but because someone didn't relay to her that I was ready. S could see the despair in my eyes as the tears started welling up again. She told them,

"I'm taking Court upstairs, you guys can wait for me to order food."

She took me up and bumped the bed into the wall.

"See, I'm terrible with these things, its like bumper beds when I drive."

For a moment a smile broke through the tears and I was feeling relieved.

We got to my room and I saw my mum and it was the moment I let go. I could finally relax and actually let the drugs work. I begged the nurses to let me take my IV out. I hated letting them do it, because well, I had done it enough times and it didn't hurt when I did it to myself. I started to remove the tapes and the little nurse got nervous.

I couldn't wait to get out.

"How much longer do we have to be here? I want to go home. They said we could go at 11:30."

My mum told me the nurse said 12:30 departure time but I wasn't having it. I told my mum, how they didn't give me enough drugs, because I was told I wasn't supposed to remember anything... I remembered everything. I was given one more xanax at this point because I couldn't calm down. I was flustered and upset. I was having another panic attack. I was feeling claustrophobic and just needed to leave. The tears would come and go, and it was getting exhausting. We still had to go see Dr. D for our chemo consult.

We finally got to leave. I up and changed and was ready for Dr. D. I could finally feel myself relaxing. Everyone kept trying to put me in a wheelchair but I was on a mission, I just needed to leave and knew I could do it a lot faster on my own. I knew exactly where to go to get to Dr.D's office, even drugged. We got there and a TIME magazine was sitting right on top of the magazine pile. It said "The Childfree Life: When having it all means not having children." I was like, "well isn't this ironic." We snagged the mag, because I wanted to know who was writing a story on me, or just the fact I was too high to understand what I would be reading.

We saw Dr. D and he went over our chemo and radiation schedule. Tuesday of next week. I HAD to do chemo. These were the words I was dreading.

"Am I going to lose my hair?"

It was the one question I didn't want to have to ask. He said

"Its not likely but it is a side effect, maybe just some thinning."

I was too stoned on xanax to cry. A panic attack was trying to creep in, but the drugs were all finally taking effect. They couldn't have started working at a better time. Finally.

We left and went to valet to get the car. It was Tuesday. The only good thing about Tuesdays is Cream of chicken and wild rice soup at Paneras. I don't remember the car ride back but we stopped. When we got to the house I started inhaling pickles. I was stoned out of my mind, but I was home. I was with Dexter, I didn't feel the pain from the incisions and I LOVED my food. Lets just say there were a lot more pics hahaha, but I narrowed it down.

After I finished eating, my salad, my soup, my pickles, I went and crashed. I finally slept, a good sleep. I needed to recover. My mind was hazy from the meds and so I didn't have to worry about thinking about the reality of chemo or radiation or anything else miserable. I was content. I slept and am glad it was all over. Even though- it was really just the beginning.