2 Months Have Passed, 1 Month at Last?

My first blog post was on Sunday August 4th. This means I got the call on Friday August 2nd that I was sick again. Today is the 30th of September. In two days, it will officially be two months since I was diagnosed again with Cancer.

Its amazing how time flies. Its not just when you're having fun, its when you're miserable too. Why else would you look back on your life and wish you had spent it differently. Not everybody, but I'm sure a lot of people do. So in essence, maybe its not time that flies but your life.

I had plans for this weekend. Actually I've have plans for the last few weekends. I've had plans for the weekdays too. How many of those plans have I accomplished- none. I wanted to go to Color Me Mine to paint pottery with my mum. Specifically to make Dex his own personalized food bowl. All of the cats in the Druce Ladies household have had one. But nope. There's been movies I've wanted to see, but nope. I was supposed to go apple picking with my mum yesterday but that didn't happen either. We made it 5 minutes in the car before the discomfort and pain, I was trying to hide peeked out from behind the facade of my eagles jersey and fake smile. I didn't even get to watch said Eagles game. I passed out on the couch, only to wake up to see the end of the fourth quarter and Payton's world domination. So clearly I didn't miss much. I have friends in town visiting and I don't get to see them very often since I moved to Canada, and I can't even pull it together for an hour to get a quick visit in. Homework, nope. Bracelet making, I came close. I picked out the beads and then was exhausted. I can barely make it up a flight of stairs with out it committing me to my bedroom and la la land.

I officially hit the place, of being sick, where you forget what being healthy feels like. Two months. With one more month of radiation to go. I was so excited about being done chemo, and people were excited for me, but what people seem to forget is I still have to do radiation. Radiation is the source of all of the aforementioned side effects. The pain is not from chemo, its from the radiation. The nausea is from the pain, and from the radiation deteriorating my GI tract. Chemo was a baby step, radiation is my demon.

I wake up each day for radiation and can't call in sick. HA- I find this hilarious. I mean if it was school or work, or whatever, I'd call in sick feeling the way I do. But I have to shuttle my @$$ to radiation everyday. Thank goodness my mum or sis drive me or I wouldn't make it there.

All I can do successfully right now is lay in bed and watch Netflix. I can barely eat, it makes the situation much much worse for me. When I have those few shining moments of being able to eat, I embrace them with a vengeance.

I know I'm supposed to be focusing on getting better but in reality how does one do that? How can I do anything differently than I already am. I have no energy to do anything. All I can focus on is sleep. I feel like a terrible friend, losing touch with people whom I miss dearly. I can barely handle a phone convo some days. I feel like a terrible granddaughter. I just am mentally wiped.

However, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Although it doesn't seem like it, I know I wont feel like this forever.

I'm angry at my body. In fact I hate it. If I thought I was self conscious before, now I'm on a whole other level. The best part is, I'm too tired to care, well almost.

I know I'm going to start feeling better. I know I'm going to have an amazing recovery. I know I'll be able to get back in to the gym, curse at my trainer for making me do squats but then get my perky tush back. I know I'm going to go back to work and love it. I know all these things will come, but its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when I have a sleep mask on.

So where does that leave me today? Well, I have my mom keeping me afloat. I have Dexter who is by far the best man any woman can ask for. All he wants is approval, love, and food. He snuggles hard core and I love him. I have a few close friends who are rockstars, because when I don't have the energy to be the best of friends, they don't hold it against me. My sis, who YAY is back from her festival. STOP LEAVING BUTT HEAD lol. I've got this, I do. But I'm tired. As each day passes, so does another day that I could be living my life. Then again, I'm alive and shouldn't I be grateful for that? I'm being selfish, I know this. I need to be appreciative for what I have and not what I want. I need to be appreciative for being alive, having my fam and Dex instead of wanting to be the best at life.

Until then...

Surprise! Very Last Chemo... Hopefully EVER!

Chemo Surprise!

So today was a great day for surprises. I came to the hospital as usual for radiation and chemo and went through the motions like I usually would. When I went to meet Dr. D, they had quite the surprise for me, Today was my last day for chemo. Granted before I get super excited this IS contingent upon a few things. So. I have radiation for a few more weeks. Then I have surgery on October tenth for the sleeve. (I'll explain later). After that I start high dose radiation which will take two and a half weeks. I'll do a PET scan to see where we're at. If my lymph nodes look good, and I responded to the radiation the way I am supposed too, then I wont need any more chemo.

Because I'm never going to get cancer again (Because I think I've had just about enough with 4 bouts) today could be my very last chemo dose for the rest of my life. Never again will I have to inject my self with toxic chemicals. Worry about my liver, or my hair, or kidneys or any of the pain in the ass side effects. Never, Like EVER again! This is a really exciting encouraging thought.

While meeting with the nurse in Dr. D's office as she was telling me this I was ecstatic.

"OMG, so I'm officially done chemo after today, all my pooter hair has fallen out from the chemo and the radiation, so I'll be done chemo and I got a pain free bikini wax."

My mom shook her head, ::palm to forehead:: giggling while the Nurse AM replied

"Nothing Courtney says shocks me anymore."

Hahah best response ever. I love that my nurses and my docs know me well.

We went into Dr. D's office to talk about the surgery and whats to come. Basically they insert a plastic sleeve or shunt into my lady bits. Its so that when they place the high dose radiation into my pooter- it affects only the necessary cancer and not the surrounding healthy tissue.

"Ok doc, so this isn't going to break my pootang right? I mean when am I supposed to start the vaginal dilators."

My mom once again ::palm to forehead::

"Mom... I'm just trying to protect my investment."

The answer by the way was when I'm done the high dose radiation, and no it should not break my pootang.

SO my day consisted of my docs writing me for more pain meds.

"You need to stop being a hero and take the meds."

Option b, instead of taking the pain meds would be to take a break from radiation but I just want to be done with ALL of this. SO I was like ok, write em up. I can and will endure the pain, because as experienced today, there is no better feeling than hearing you're done. I can imagine how great hearing you're cured is going to be. How great "You can have sex again" is going to be. How unreal amazing "You can go back to Canada" will be. Oh and "Yes you can start working a few shifts again" ALL of these amazing things I can't wait to hear. They began today with "TOday is your last chemo treatment."

As I laid receiving my last chemo treatment it was weird. I mean, I wish I had have had a heads up. I would have brought cake. Lots of Carrot Cake. I LOVE the nurses on my chemo unit. Two of my favs weren't even there to say good bye. Luckily S and B were. B always hooks me up so that I can have a private room and bed for chemo treatments because they were 3+ hours long and I felt crappy. So sitting in a plastic wanna be lazy boy chair sucked in comparison to a bed, even a hospital one. Plus my mum got a desk to get some work and school work done. S slipped me a little going away present, which was the sweetest. She got me GORGEOUS silver earrings. Something I can get excited about wearing when I actually feel well enough to leave my house. I'm really going to miss them.

As I was leaving the unit, I looked at the empty chemo bag and it was the best F YOu ever! I got to ring the bell at the desk! Its a Lankenau tradition and I absolutely can't wait to ring my radiation bell, after my last radiation treatment! In fact its going to sound like a damn marching band is going through. The other patients better turn their hearing aids down.

SO I feel like crappola. The last dose of chemo is really taking its toll. However, at least I'm feeling like crap with a smile on my face. E, my pseudo older sister was in Canada and brought me back Quaker Crispy Minis in Dill Pickle, Salt and Vinegar and Ketchup. I'm like the happiest kid alive. You can't get them in the states and they're my guilty pleasure. So I'm munching on those whenever I have to take pain meds. You can't take the pain meds on an empty tummy.

I'm so close... yet so far!!


BOOM- Baby steps on the train of stops with amazing things to hear. One stop at a time.

Here we go! KOO KOO KAA CHOOOOO CHOOOO

Too Much Cheese- Oh Please.

Stauffers Mac and Cheese. It comes in a box in the frozen food section of the grocery store. Its something I know all too well.

If you had have asked me to eat it about a year ago, I may have vomited just thinking about it. But tonight, I'm nauseous, I'm hungry, I need to eat something, and Stauffers Mac and Cheese is all I want.

I hate what it represents, but I need to eat something.

When I was in Transplant, and maybe even before during the first round at Sick Kids in Toronto, (I can't remember) I was only allowed to eat and drink a few things. I refused to eat the hospital food. I still do. It repulses me. I could only drink Aquafina or Dasani water. Those are two brands that are pasteurized and with my compromised immune system in transplant, I had to be so careful. It was awful how strict they were. I couldn't have someone bring me McDonalds or Wendys if I wanted it. Foods had to be cooked to kill anything potentially harmful. When I say potentially harmful, I mean only to me. Not to an average person with an immune system. This really limited my options. This is where Stauffers and Cup O Noodle comes in. I would eat it for every meal. In fact typing this now, cup o noodles actually sounds pretty good.

When I'm out of the hospital, I can't touch these things. They remind me of chemo, and nausea and feeling terrible. They represent me being sick. So tonight, it hit me, I am sick, again. I was laying on my couch rolling around in pain, starving but having no appetite. While my mom went through a horde of options, none of which sounded appealing, I could taste Stauffers mac and cheese in my mouth.

"Mum, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I want Stauffers."

We hopped in the car and off we went to the grocery store.

"Are you sure babe?"

I couldn't believe it either. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE Kraft dinner, but its not the same thing. Something about Stauffers, and my stomach on chemo- it just works.

When we got home, I popped it in the microwave. I was too hungry to wait to cook it in the oven. The smell reigniting the feeling of being in the hospital. Taking me back to that place, where this was something I wanted, I needed because nothing else would do. As I stirred it, mixed emotions floated through me.

You only eat this when you're sick. You only want this when you're on chemo. You're really sick and on chemo.

Its amazing how the simplest thing can reignite a feeling. A smell, a song, a touch, can take you right back to a moment that its so real you actually feel like its happening all over again.

For me, the smell didn't ignite the nausea or fear of being back in the hospital, because I am sick again and luckily not in the hospital but in the same mindset. We loaded up on the Stauffers; meatloaf, Salisbury steak, lasagne, noodles and meat in meat sauce. None of which sounds appealing to me, but when I'm nauseous and hungry - will be all I'll want. It will be interesting to ask me in about a year, when I've beaten this and am back to eating normally, healthy, how I feel about Stauffers, because I bet I'll be repulsed. Until then, I'm finally going to bed with a full tummy.

Its weird because last night a family friend brought my dinner, tortellini in a tomato cream sauce that was incredible, but my stomach wasn't having it. It's official, the chemo effects are taking action, I can only stomach Stauffers. Yay. Chemo tomorrow... lets do this. Its number 4 out of 6. Although they've added more radiation, I have yet to find out if they are going to add more chemo. The only plus side to this, I've finally lost all my pooter hair! YAY for never having to get a bikini wax again, or heck I hope its permanent. See, there's always a bright side ;)

The Longest Weekend...

The longest weekend....


That is how I would describe the past weekend. One of the nicest compliments I have been receiving is

"It's just weird, by just looking at her, you would never know she is sick."

I'm sure in comparison to when I'm healthy, I look like something is off, but as of lately, I haven't looked like a stereotypical cancer patient. This weekend, I couldn't hide it any more. The way I felt on the inside, the war that was going on inside my body, decided to show on the outside. Leaving bed was a task, so I didn't. All of the side effects I have been fighting with, this weekend were the worst they have been. Nausea, head aches, tummy aches, diarrhea, pain, all of them. I laid in bed, watched Sons of Anarchy, and slept. I had wanted to work on my bracelets this weekend, but sitting up in bed became to much of a chore. Eating, difficult. I have a new affinity for soft pretzels, and so they've been one of the few things I can stomach. This weekend, seemed never ending, no matter how hard I tried to sleep it away.

Fridays seem to be the day that everything really catches up with me. Chemo from Wednesday. Five radiation treatments. The weekend is my time to recoup from that. Then Monday comes around and I have to start all over again. I think I have three weeks left of radiation. Then I start my high dose radiation. My body is crumbling under the pressure, my mind is weakening with exhaustion, and now I am showing it on the outside. I look tired, exhausted, and quite obviously... sick.

I knew of multiple weddings this weekend. I've been stalking instagram like a fiend. People who went to football games and parties. Mindy Weiss, (Event planning guru to the stars) planning the Fox Emmy's after party. Grasping on to the outside world with a shred of dignity.

Normally this would make me sad, but then an AARP commerial changed my night around. haha Yes, you read that right, an AARP commercial. AARP is insurance for people over the age of 50, but the commercial's message really resonated with me now.

It talks about Julia Child and how she became a famous chef at the age of 51. Picasso painted one of his famous masterworks at the age of 56. Then it talks about some lady and how she finished her first marathon at the age of 50. The punch line:

"Not everyone peaks in their twenties."

This was the perfect way to end my night, on what was quite simply a very long weekend of suffering. Yes. I'm sick, yes, I'm feeling shitty. Yes, I'm missing out on some pretty awesome things, but that's ok. It reminds me of the larger picture. I'm fighting this battle to live a long life. I have plenty of time to peak as event planner extraordinaire. I still have a few years left of "fun" bartending left in me. As much as I would like to get to my thirties and have it all figured out, its not the end of the world if I don't. I mean I would rather not have my stuff not figured out because of extenuating circumstances outside of my control, but I would like the chance to get to figure them out at all. Living is what will give me the ability to do that.

So what, I'll probably be the last of my friends to get married, I'll know exactly what I want and don't want at my wedding having learned from theirs. So I may still be interning at 30, with 22 year olds, I'll have a hell of a lot more life experience than those 22 year olds and therefore wont have trouble being the best of the interns. Plus I can learn from them too, they can help keep me young and current. I may end up buying a house way later in the game than my peers and spending double, but at least I'll be 100% sure I'm setting down roots in the right spot. AARP was right. Not everyone peaks in their twenties, and when all of my friends are peaking now, it will give me a chance to steal the peaking spot light in our thirties. I get to sit back, support and be happy for them, because I know when its my turn, finally, they will be right there for me.

Its amazing where you draw inspiration from. Thank you AARP lol. SO I head into tomorrow. Radiation in the morning, hopefully feeling a little better tomorrow than I did today and this weekend. I narrowly escaped a trip to the ER on Saturday night because my blood pressure was so low, and I had all the symptoms of things heading downhill and fast. Thank golly my mum is a nurse. But I'm also stubborn as a horse and wouldn't go until absolutely necessary and things worked its self out.

So being sick is shitty and feeling like I'm missing out again is shitty too. Its ok, I'm just setting the foundation to be 30 and flirty. I'm so excited for my life to start its crazy. I get to be like a teenage girl again dreaming about what she'll be like when she grows up. Painting a whole picture to keep me going. I'm painting a whole bunch of pictures too, because I've learned life never goes according to plan. I'm ready for that. Regardless of which path I end up taking, I'm just excited that I'll be healthy enough to take it at all.

Just a quickie.... because sometimes they're just as good.

So today.

Today is Wednesday and Wednesdays are chemo days. Chemo days suck. I wake up at quarter to 7, I sit in Philly traffic for what feels like forever. I get to the hospital, and here is the itinerary for a Wednesday.

1. Go to Radiation in basement. Get radiation.
2. Meet with radiation nurse, check weight, blood pressure. Go over symptoms etc.
3. Meet with Radiation doctor, (pelvic exam to check for radiation cystitus). Talk about effects of radiation. Talk about eagles.
4. Go to Admissions on far side of hospital (floor #1) to register as an inpatient for the day for chemo. Usually is time consuming and feels like a waste of time, but I really like visiting with the lady who registers me, so I don't mind it so much anymore.
5. Walk back to complete other side of hospital. Elevators to floor six. Sign in to Dr. D's office.
6. Meet with nurse, blood pressure, weight, temperature.
7. Go into examination room, go over symptoms, meds, etc. etc. etc.
8. Undress and wait for Dr. D. (Hello cow oven mitts)
9. Do pelvic, chat.
10. Wait to get paper work and prescriptions.
11. Take elevators to first floor and then walk back over to the side of the hospital where admissions is, the complete other side.
12. Take elevators to sixth floor.
13. GO in, get settled. Nurse does vitals. (Blood pressure, temp etc)
14. Starts IV.'
15. Draws blood to send for testing.
16. Starts running fluids while we wait for blood work results to flush out my kidneys, takes hour.
17. Blood work comes back normal, starts pre-treating for chemo. Anti nausea, steroids, anti anxiety. etc. etc.
18. Chemo takes about an hour and a half.
19. More fluids after chemo to flush out kidneys. Takes another hour.
20. Remove IV.
21. Take elevator to basement. Head to car.
22. Hour car ride home.
23. Come home. Sleep.

This is the bare bones of a chemo day. The chemo process is about 3-3.5 hours. We leave the house at around 7am and get home around 430 if we're lucky. Its long, its exhausting.

HOWEVER and I repeat in a BIG BOLD HOWEVER today was better than most chemo days. Why, because I got good news.

I've been miserable. I've been in a lot of pain. I am very drug sensitive and although I develop strong tolerances to some medications, others I simply do not tolerate very well. Cysplatin (my chemotherapy) and radiation, I have not tolerated well. Especially compared to other patients, I'm experiencing more severe side effects according to doc. I can honestly say, I'm not totally surprised. I do indeed have radiation cystitus. (The break down of my bladder, intestines and GI tract.) Its extremely painful. I can now admit, that I cry every day. Its embarrassing. I feel like a total chick. (But its allowed. I know).

So, today while catching up with Dr. D2, we went over the symptoms. He told us what we already know, that I've had EXTREMELY high dose radiation and that although it is early, I am sensitive and am not tolerating the chemo and radiation well. However, that could mean that it is working. Dr. D would have to be the one to confirm that. This was good news.

When I saw Dr. D, he did just that.

"The cancer is significantly smaller."

Those words were gold to my ears. Now reader alert: about to get graphic.
The reason going pee hurts so bad, is because bloody fleshy chunks fly out of me, and it burns, badly. I didn't have a yeast infection, it was indeed radiation cystitus. But now we know. I thought this was disgusting, these pieces, but Dr. Dr explained.

"That is the cancer breaking down, leaving your body."

So now I am hoping to see those disgusting pieces of hell more and more.

So here's a recap. Treatment is working. Treatment is painful. Treatment makes me sad and angry some days. Treatment hurts. BUT and I repeat BUT TREATMENT IS WORKING!

So this is the news I've been waiting for. When I'm a mess, and I'm cranky or upset or hurting, I just have to remind myself, this is not for nothing. You're going to be ok. You now don't have to 'just' believe that, because now you 'KNOW' you have evidence to back it up. Courtney Alisha, You're fighting, and just like you predicted, You're going to F^@%!#& Win!

Fly Eagles Fly- Fight Courtney Fight!

Since I have started radiation, three weeks ago, I leave the house for maybe 3 reasons.
1. To go to and from radiation and chemo.
2. To go see a movie (which I have only done once.)
3. Food, (which I have also only done once, maybe twice.)

It's not that I have become a hermit, ok maybe a little, but I don't like feeling vulnerable in public. Its hard to hide discomfort, and even worse than trying to hide it, is feeling it. You feel like a burden on those around you. Knowing that at any moment, you may have to leave because you just can't handle feeling sick in public anymore. How fun for them. Sitting at a restaurant, with food smelling delicious, but knowing that you have to choose wisely, because when you're a cancer patient, you have to consider how it will feel coming back up just like you would how it would taste going down. Sometimes just the smell can trigger a wave of different symptoms. Chemo gives you a superhuman sense of smell. It's your body's way of overcompensating for the dulling of another sense, in this case taste. Orange hand sanitizer, will trigger the worst kind of panic attack for me. I get nauseous and dizzy. It was what they used at CHOP and the smell is so intense, that it actually could make me vomit from 2 stories down. Its not only the orange scent, there is another but I have yet to figure it out. I think its any scented version, I don't mind the regular but the scented twists my stomach into knots, and sends me into a tizzy.

So being stuck at home, could be worse. I have my sister who could actually be a stand up comedian. My mum, who is just funny, (we're usually laughing at her, but its with so much love.) Thank goodness for Netflix and friends who call and skype. My writing takes up a lot more time then one might think. Facebook, which anyone could waste hours on. But, in all reality, I miss the outside world. The normal me, the me from back home, was barely ever home. I came home to sleep, do laundry, shower and snuggle Dex. Its not as terrible when I'm feeling sucky because, my bed, is my cocoon. It makes me feel better by osmosis. But still, getting out of the house, with people who make me feel safe, is a blessing.

My mom travels for work. So on a flight from Phoenix to Philadelphia, a gentleman by the name of Don Smolenski had the misfortune of sitting next to my mother. Upon meeting him, he told me

"Usually on planes, I don't like to talk, I like quiet, to do some work, but your mother, well she was a pleasure to talk too."

Its true, my mother could talk to a wall and make the conversation interesting, however if you're not a talker, you're about to become one. She's engaging and magnetic, its just one of the many great things about her. Nat and I joked

"oh this poor guy"

but it turns out, he really didn't mind sitting next to her and chatting. So much so, that as one who usually keeps his job title under wraps that he ended up giving her his card because he would like to help facilitate a day out for me, my mum and sis. Don Smolenski, is the President of the Philadelphia Eagles.

So fast forward to the home opener for the Eagles. I. Am. Stoked. The morning of, I described our drive in as "Botox Emotions."

"Mom, I really am excited, I just don't feel well, I'm like one of those ladies who just got botox and are trying to smile, I want too, I just physically can't."

It was true, I was so excited I had no words. I was however, not feeling well. There was no way I was not going to go. I LOVE my Eagles. They're the one team for a sport I can honestly say are my team. I have a few hockey teams, two baseball teams and nothing really for basketball. Football however: straight up Eagles. When I woke up that morning, my stomach was in knots. My throat hurt, I was nauseous, my back was aching, and I didn't have a clue what my G.I. system wanted to do. I knew it was going to be a long day, but so help me gawd I was going to soak in every second.

I had only ever been to one Eagles game before and needless to say it was an experience. We were in a private box with unlimited supply of booze. I will never drink a vodka cran again. I got to meet the lingerie football team, Bernard Hopkins (the boxer) and a ton of cool people. It was more of a social experience and I wanted to watch the game. I wanted to be in the stands, really experiencing the NFL for the first time. My mum was off mingling and I just sat, drank and watched the game. It was a blast, but dangerous, and I was ready to experience the NFL.
*October 2009- full blown extensions in the hair*

Don's assistant Liz, (who is a darling angel) set up everything for us. She was so young but so sweet.

"I had an internship here and just told them, I'm not leaving and now I work here and love it!"

She coordinated with my mum and sent a parking pass. We had VIP parking which was a bonus. We didn't have time to tailgate because they had some surprises for me, but I wasn't disappointed in the slightest because I didn't have the energy to tailgate. I was not feeling well. We went to Will Call and got our tickets, and then we waited for Liz.

The NFL has these new rules about ladies and their purses. They have to be... the size of a small envelope. Its a joke. My sister and I managed to get by with ours, but my mom not so lucky. She dumped the contents of her purse into a large zip lock bag (because clear bags are allowed) and stashed her purse into a planter just outside the stadium. We we right on time, but didn't want to be late. Liz the doll that she is, ended up running back out a little bit later to rescue my mum's bag. Seriously- she was a doll, that's one of my moms favorite bags in life, but that also shows how cool my mom is. She didn't want me to miss out on anything and was willing to give up her prized Chanel crossbody. Thank you Liz!

This is new the Eagles Chic in case you were wondering what you're allowed. Nothing like a clear bag to flaunt your tampons and lip gloss :)

When we got down to the field it was incredible. I couldn't believe how much smaller everything seemed. When you're in the stands and they are full of people, it seems huge, but when you're on the field looking up at empty stands, it seems so small. The field, smaller, it was crazy. There were TV crews setting up. Reporters doing interviews. Cheerleaders filming clips. There were players practicing all sorts of football stuff. Throwing, catching, pushing and jumping. (Yes I know I got very technical on that one.)

Some of the players seemed so tiny in person. Others seemed HUGE. Coach Chip Kelly walked by and is pint sized. Like I wanted to pick him up and put him in my pocket.

I got to meet Hank Basket and Harold Carmichael. Both who were huge. Harold was super nice, even when my mum innocently said,

"Oh its nice to meet you but I wanted a pic with Deuce Staley."

::Hand to forehead, shakes head, embarrassed for mother.:: He was huge at 6'8 but totally laughed it off. Both were very very nice. It was funny too, because the whole time I was standing next to Hank, I had to physically stop myself from saying, "Your wife is a total BABE!" (He's married to former playboy girlfriend Kendra Wilkenson.)

Being on the field for warmup was a blast. It was just an experience that you wouldn't normally get to experience. I wasn't upset in the slightest that I missed tailgating.

After I had met Don, and thanked him for the incredible day, he brought me over a black gift bag with the eagles emblem. When I looked in the bag, he had given my mum, my sister and I all an eagles hat. (It was funny because on the car ride there, I was wishing I had an eagles hat, because A. the sun would get annoying and b. I was too tired to blow dry my hair and it was still wet when we got to the field so I was stoked.) They had also given me a LeSean McCoy Jersey. For those who don't know he's number 25 and is a running back, and is kind of awesome! It was a green jersey too which was super sweet because my Vick one was white. Legit, they had no idea how cool this was to me. I'm so excited about my jersey. The fact that they went out of their way to do that for me, its all just so cool. Its another situation where because it meant so much to me, I just don't feel that words accurately portray how grateful I am. Feeling special when you've been feeling so rotten is a gift in itself and they went above and beyond. It just reiterates why I love the Eagles and their organization so much.
New hat and new jersey:

We then got the usual crab fries.... delish as usual. I only could eat about 5 but it was better than nothing. My sister started pounding the beer, and our seats were awesome. As we were sitting waiting for the game to start, my nausea got a little bit worse. I had barely made it through the warm up, but was not going to miss the game. Everything I ate, I was worried it was going to come right back up. I was exhausted already but it was almost go time, kick off was minutes away and I was ECSTATIC. For the home opener game it was great. They had a huge flag cover the whole field and a real Bald Eagle fly all over the stadium. It was very poetically American. There were fireworks and it was just really exciting. The game was on, and I was READY!

The first quarter did not exactly go in our favor. Our offense is on fire but our defense could not stop the force that was Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates. That man is a machine. I did not approve. I also felt like the refs made some seriously bad calls. I could go into this for a while, and in some serious detail but I would be going on for a bit. Whatever... its only game 2. We're 1-1. It could have been a blow out and it wasn't and we're getting our footing and soon we're going to FLY.

At half time we went in search of coke to calm my stomach. Something about fountain coke, I don't know. It works miracles. We ran into Matt Cord who is the radio dj for 93.3 WMMR in Philadelphia. He had given me a shout out earlier in the week and has invited me into the studio. He's friends with my mom back from her radio days and so it was nice to finally meet him.

After half time and a pretzel and sprite (they ran out of coke. I don't even know...) I FINALLY started to feel better. The sun had moved and our seats were in the shade. We looked like we had a chance to win the game and my stomach stopped fighting with me. I finally had some energy, although I knew it wouldn't last long. I took a perc, because my back was starting to act up and I was enjoying this whole feeling well thing for a few minutes. The thing I loved, is whenever we scored a touchdown, EVERYONE would jump up and start high fiving random strangers. It was so cool, and just added to the whole fan experience.

We did not win the game. However I had the best day. We got to the car and were off. It went by so quickly. As we were waiting in line on the street, in the sea of cars... there was a kid selling candy. My mom saw him at the car in front of us and was like

"OMG I want candy."

My sister and I laughed it off as one of our OH mom moments. As we started to pull ahead, the kid selling the candy knocked on our window. We rolled it down and he said

"The car in front of you bought you two candies. Have a nice day!"

They were twizzlers, good call car, well played. It was the most unphiladelphia like thing anyone had ever done for us. This guy had no idea who we were or what I was going through and he was just plain and simple: being nice. I was in shock. As I sat there in the car on the way home, it hit me. This had been the most out of character day for Philly ever. Everyone had been SO NICE! It almost felt like the city of brotherly love. People were polite, high-fiving each other in the stands. I didn't encounter a single rude person. I even had a kid ask me to help him while I was waiting in line for crab fries to hold his water and fries so he could put his wallet back into his pocket. I joked

"Eagles fan teamwork, I like it"

to which he said, and it couldn't have been more perfectly timed

"It is the city of brotherly love!"

It was just eerie, in the best way. Philly had sort of proved me wrong and I wasn't even mad. It made me realize, no matter what any one says, Hockey has the most violent rambunctious fans. With out a doubt. It restored my faith in humanity a little bit. Good people are still out there, and in Philly, who knew! I dozed the rest of the car ride home, completely sprawled out in the back seat. Today had completely depleted me of all energy.

We got home and mum made me some pasta. At this point, whatever I can eat, I'm eating. I had a small bowl and was passed out on the couch in no time. I managed to watch a little of the Manning Bowl (Both Manning brothers played each other NY Giants vs. Denver Broncos) and can I say how on fire Peyton is. C'mon Eli, how many interceptions did you throw? But I was out cold right after it ended. It was the best kind of day... Football, family time, good people surrounding me. I couldn't have asked for a better day if I planned it myself. Thank you to everyone who helped make it possible. Monday was back to work... radiation and chemo on Wednesday. Until Thursday, GO EAGLES, I'll be wearing my LeSean McCoy Jersey with bells on :)

When Your Life Goes To $#!%, Realize $#!% Happens.

There has been one post I have been dreading, specifically this one. I mean, no, I'm not dating anyone. Would I like to be in the future, well duh. However, after this post, I may be eternally single. But in the interest of journalistic responsibility and integrity, I promised to keep this experience as honest and real as possible. Yes, one of the biggest dating tips is to "keep some mystery" however, when you're a cancer patient, there is no mystery, except how the hell to get rid of your illness with out your treatment killing you first.

So with that being said, and to clarify so that I feel better, everyone poops.

I was told when I started treatment that one of the side effects of the radiation was SEVERE diarrhea. When I say severe, I mean opening up freaking floodgates. Now, anyone who knows me by now, probably realizes I don't rationalize things like a normal human being. My first thought was,

"and this is terrible why?"

Remember that 90's craze to get colon cleanses known as "colonics", because removing the toxins would clear your skin (yea that was actually a thing and still is.) Well I'm getting it for free, with out the medi spa appointment price tag and someone digging in my @$$. Bring on flawless skin. Also, this is great for weight loss. Water weight aside, I really don't want to hold on to any extra calories since I've had to give up working out. On the bright side, I'm down 4 pounds, and not water pounds but real ones. AND YES I know I know its probably muscle, but don't kill my buzz. I digress.

I've been on pain killers for my back, and pain killers constipate. So that works in my favor. I've also been on antiemetics (anti nausea meds) which also constipate. So I was like this wont get that bad. Chemo dulls your taste buds, so I've been craving salsa, hot sauce, wing sauce, mustards, whatever I can taste, when in the off chance I do crave food. However those, tend to help your BM (bowel movements) flow a little on the easier side if you catch my drift. Why do you think Mexican is never a good idea on the third date? So that doesn't help me. I'm not one for math, but my little list of well this can help, but this wont, but this will, and things cancelling each other out has been consuming my brain. Legit, I'm more confused than a patriots fan watching their precious offense barely beat an unprepared rookie QB and the jets.

I hate taking pills. Not because I can't swallow them, but because if I could, I would approach this entire thing holistically. More meds means more side effects, and then more meds to counteract those side effects. Its just a big wheel of annoying. My mum being the goddess she is, got a very good family friend S who is a masseuse to come and work on my back. This woman has miracle hands. Everything about her calms me down. I first saw her two weeks ago. I didn't need my pain meds when she was done with me. In fact, I went six days with out needing them. She came back eight days later and the same thing, no more pain meds. I love that my back is not acting up and especially that I don't have to medicate it. It almost makes me feel like if I could muster up the energy, I could get to a yoga class... but baby steps here. However, the downside to this, I need the constipating effects of the pain meds. Of course, the one time the side effect of a medication actually works in my favor.

The radiation treatments have done nothing but really exhaust me thus far. I'm nauseous, but its most likely from the chemo. I get these weird pains in my lower abdomen, but... ok so the radiation sucks and I'm making excuses, another "Courtney Quality." These complications fall under "Radiation Cystitus". (In very basic terms: radiation cystitis:, inflammatory changes in the urinary bladder caused by ionizing radiation. - I couldn't even find a decent definition. Basically, it destroys my bladder and bowel's ability to work properly.) I guess this is what happens when you microwave a person.

My doctor keeps saying "It's too soon, it's too soon for radiation cystitus." But and I repeat with a big baby got back BUTT- I am not a textbook case. I'm sure everyone says this, however, I've been through cancer and cancer treatments three times. We have a trifecta of documented evidence that everything that can possibly go wrong, usually does with me. This is not pessimism, this is documented fact. So during the last week of complaining of something being wrong with my lady bits, someone finally took me seriously. I'm a girl, I've had a UTI, I've had a yeast infection, I've drank cranberry juice, blah blah blah, I know when somethings not right, even when its something on top of an already growing list of maladies. As I was describing that something was... off, Dr. D2 immediately brushed off the cystitus. It's probably just a UTI. Ok, fine, but its not. I know what a UTI feels like. This is not a UTI, yeast infection yes, UTI no. We did a urinalysis but it came back negative. They would have had to put a catheter in to get a for sure diagnosis, but that was not happening. So I left Dr. D2 with a prescription for a UTI med, for a UTI I was pretty sure I didn't have.

Just so we're not confused because all of this will eventually converge, my lady bits- I know are not cystitus...yet, but something is definitely wrong. However my tushy - yup. Don't tell me it's too soon, your textbook doesn't know me.

So why choose to open up about this now, because this week it has become a problem. On Wednesday, (which is chemo day), on the way to the hospital I was drinking a Gatorade. My blood pressure had been low the day before which is a sign of dehydration (which is very common with diarrhea {ugh I hate that word]), and on chemo days I have to get an IV, so I was trying to chug to pump up the veins. I stopped after a few sips and looked at my mom.

"I think I'm going to shit myself."

Mind you, we have a 45min- hour drive to the hospital everyday. Now as one who prides herself on doing kegals regularly, I normally don't have to worry about holding my pee. But this process, has just turned eliminations of any kind uncontrollable, so I was slightly worried about our making it on time. We did make it to the hospital and I was so relieved. I barely made it to the bathroom but got there. So thankful all of the stalls were empty and no one was in there. I have a phobia of number two in public places, something I'm going to have to get over and fast. Thankfully I was in a hospital, first thing in the morning, because there was no chance of squatting at this point, so most likely the toilets had been recently cleaned, at least that's what I'm telling myself. Ugh, I thought this is not going to be fun. The side effects of the radiation were starting, really starting and I was not liking the result.

While we were walking up to the elevators to go see Dr. D for our weekly check up, I looked at my mom with a half joking but dreaded

"Of all days, of all doctors appointment visits, I really hope Dr.D doesn't do a pelvic exam today."

I was feeling gross, my plumbing was not cooperating and I just did not want him in my lady bits. Once we were seated in the exam room, the nurse unleashed the poison that was toxic to my ears

"So Dr. D would like to do a pelvic on you today, so you know the drill."

I threw my head back with an "UGHHH I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!" I begged her, and him with a

"Dr.D I'm warning you, you may want to put this off until next week. Really, I'm doing this for your protection."

I finally caved, but that's just a testament to how good of a doc Dr.D is. A. he doesn't care if I poo on him and b. He really does make me feel comfortable. He's a thorough doc and doesn't let a little ick stop him from doing his job properly and well. He wasn't just going to assume it was a UTI, there was an issue and he was going to fix it. (Which he did thank goodness!) Lobster claw oven mitts and it was a go. His insistence on doing a pelvic was because of the UTI that Dr.D2 was convinced I had. Luckily, we discovered it wasn't a UTI, it wasn't cystitus of the bladder (that we're completely sure about, because that could be going on too, just not as severe) It WAS a yeast infection from the antibiotics I had been on to treat the UTI that I got from one of the surgeries earlier that month. Because if its not one thing, its another.

So where does this leave me now. I woke up this morning around 5am. I had gone to bed around 8:30-9 last night. I would rather be waking up super early than sleeping all day and being up all night. I had a small salad, because I like salads. No I'm not just eating them to try to be thin or whatever, I actually like them. (Not all the time I mean I could easily nosh on a burger, pizza and wings.)The past few weeks, I've been hating on food because when its in my tummy, I instantly get a tummy ache. So I've been avoiding food, because it really is causing more problems than helping. I'm eating, its just hard for me to do. Nothing seems appealing, so when something does, I pounce, like a kitten when it first sees its reflection in the mirror. Was this salad a wise idea, probably not, but I craved it, and it was delicious. The docs did tell me to avoid salads and fruits and basically anything healthy. Within an hour my stomach started to hurt again. Well isn't this just peachy.

When you go through any sort of illness, let alone three times you learn your body, and well. My stomach and G.I. tract does not agree with food right now. None of it. This past week has been the worst. It's almost like my body wants it out of me as fast as I put it in. When my stomach starts to knot and hurt it's a sign, that I should probably get near a bathroom.

So this morning, after my salad, which was delicious BTW, it was doomsday. (Quite honestly that makes it sound a lot more gross than it was.) The details are irrelevant, I'm sure you know what happens and if you don't can I please refer you to the image of the book I posted at the beginning of this post by Taro Gomi entitled "Everyone Poops." I did however, whimper, tears, enough so that it woke my mum up. How is this painful you ask? Because, this is not simply diarrhea, this is my intestines having been burned so badly from the radiation, that they scab on the inside. The scabs fall off and there is blood, there is burning, there are chunks of my intestines rotting inside me. This is what happens. This is the treatment to save my life. Hello my name is Courtney, and I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. This is the prime example of, if my cancer doesn't kill me, my treatment will.

So as I lay here, typing this, waiting for my lunch to rear its ugly head and trigger my tummy for what will inevitably be a repeat of this morning, I realize that this is just what I have to deal with. This seems minor, but its not and this is also just the beginning. Because as much as this seems like its as bad as it could get, according to my doc "It's still too soon." If this is what the early stages of treatment side effects look like then I am dreading the next few weeks. I'm halfway done according to schedule, but that isn't even set in stone. If I'm halfway and its this bad now, three weeks from now is looking pretty scary.

I texted my best friend K this morning and said

"I think the time has come to blog about poo. When your crying wakes up your mom bc it hurts so bad, just to have what feels like water pour out... I've been dreading this moment."

To which ... as the best of friends can do she replied

"Poo it is, Preach Girl!"

So I have new meds to try and stiffen things up. I like to think of it as Viagra for Poop. I have a new phobia of the bathroom and yet another reason why food is my enemy. I promised I'd be real and this is what cancer treatment looks like. Its not glamorous, and it hurts like hell. When I'm done with all of this, I'm sure I'll laugh my @$$ off... but for right now I wish I could saw my @$$ off. So as I do with this process, I'm taking it day by day.

I think this is a really good metaphor for life and this whole experience. Shit Happens.